Wildlife Encounter
by GlitterTrails
Summary: On this episode of Wonderful Wildlife Weekly, Tino Väinämöinen is assigned to observe the fearsome Berwaldo oxenstiernas in his natural habitat. Human names used.
1. Chapter 1

"You're watching Wonderful Wildlife Weekly. I'm your host Tino Väinämöinen. I hope ya put your cuteness-goggles on, because today's episode will feature a box of chinchillas!"

Tino's brown eyes lit up with sparkles of adoration as he clutched the microphone and sighed wistfully "Ah, I _love _chinchillas. Did ya know that chinchillas have the densest fur in the animal kingdom? That's why they're so soft. Today you'll be joining me as I get to spend an hour inside of a giant crate filled with forty-five of these adorable South American-"

Tino paused as he put a hand up to his earpiece and listened to a message from his production team. His expression rapidly changed from one of happy excitement to one of uncomfortable anxiety.

"Umm, ya want me to-? Oh, well…okay then! Ahem," he cleared his throat before facing forward again and trying to give the audience his bravest smile "Ah ha ha! Yah, I guess there's been a slight change in plans. So actually this episode we're going to be observing a very rare creature, the only one of its kind. It's called _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_. Not exactly what I was expecting to show ya today, in fact I've never even heard of it before. Let's see if we can get a visual for it onsc-AIHHH!" Tino shrieked as he caught sight of the image.

"What the slippery sleigh bells? That's not cute! This show is supposed to be about wonderful wildlife, not scary-looking scowling humanoids! No seriously this isn't funny anymore! Commercial break! I need a few minutes to cry and hug my pillow in a corner."

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"H-hey everybody! W-we're b-back from our commercial break and ya are once again watching Wonderful Wildlife Weekly. Ah ha ha ha I'm going to freaking die. No no, calm down Tino. Get it together...WHY did I have to be assigned to observe something so SCARY? Oh man I wish I wasn't under contract..."

Tino tried swallowing down his terror and stepped aside to reveal a view of a cozy cabin sitting on the top of a tree-covered hillside. "Anyways, right behind me is the natural habitat of_ Berwaldo oxenstiernas_. We'll be exploring near his home today in hopes of catching a glimpse of this rare specimen...actually I really hope we don't catch any glimpses of him. But hey, this isn't about me, this is about ya guys...and my production crew. By the way, my production crew is SO not on Santa's nice list anymore."

Tino froze at the sound of a creaking door hinge. Slowly, he forced himself to turn around and watch a tall figure step out onto the cabin's front porch.

Not only was its scowl a bazillion times more frightening in person than it was in a picture, _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ was also carrying a menacing-looking massive axe over its shoulder.

"AIHHH!" Tino's scream echoed off the hillside as he tossed the microphone out of fright and toppled backwards into the bushes.

_Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ looked and stared a few moments in the direction that the scream had originated from before shrugging and turning back to the doorway.

"Nh. Snowball, ya best not come with m' today while I go tree-chopping. Sounds a bit dangerous right now, wouldn't want ya t' get hurt." He scratched a small white dog behind the ears before closing the door between them and heading off to the woods with his axe.


	2. Wildly Attractive

_If I had m' own café…_ Berwald thought to himself as he finished felling another tree. _I could serve people delicious desserts and give them all free coffee with their meals. _

He started cutting away the tree's branches so that the trunk would be easier to carry back to his cabin. _It'd be fun. Could train Snowball t' carry menus t' th' customers. Yah, that'd be pretty neat. Think people would like it a lot._

Berwald sat down on the tree stump, pulled a piece of aluminum sandpaper out of his back pocket and started re-sharpening his axe. His peaceful daydreams about café ownership were interrupted by a sudden string of nervous chatter that broke out in the woods behind him.

"Welcome back to Wonderful Wildlife Weekly! After about 3 doses of horse tranquilizer I think I'll be able to finish this segment without fainting or screaming bloody murder. As ya can see, _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ is seated right behind me and appears to be sharpening his axe, which it turns out he uses for chopping trees instead of shanking babies like I had previously hypothesized."

Berwald stopped sanding the axe blade and surveyed the surrounding area. Nothing but trees.

_Berwaldo oxenstiernas_? Last time Berwald had checked he was as about as human as everybody else, he didn't really know what he'd done to deserve to be his own species.

Berwald shrugged and went back to sanding. It wasn't really normal for him to hear voices, but since they weren't telling him to kill anyone he decided not to worry about it too much. He'd probably just stayed up too late last night playing Café Simulator 7.

"Yah I don't know what he's harvesting trees for, he seems to already have a sturdy shelter built. And it's a bit much for just firewood. Not a lot is known about _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_, so it's our job to-wait…" the chatter paused for a few moments.

"Okay. My production team has actually just informed me that _Berwaldo oxenstiernas _is part termite and that raw lumber is a part of his diet. He probably will be eating those trees in a few minutes as part of a _tasty_ snack."

Berwald raised an eyebrow. _Say __what__?_ The voice in his head was starting to get pretty strange pretty fast. He put a hand to his forehead. Berwald didn't _feel_ like he was overheating. Still though, this was pretty weird. But he couldn't stop what he was doing. Those online orders of custom built furniture weren't going to fill themselves.

_Got t' keep going, its m' job. Snowball and I have t' eat somehow._ Berwald shrugged again and finished sharpening his axe. Just to be on the safe side, he removed his shirt in order to be double-sure he wasn't going to overheat before returning to his wood-chopping.

Tino sighed as he turned away from the audience and back to the specimen. He gasped and stumbled backwards as he caught sight of the sculpted, muscular glory of _Berwaldo oxenstiernas's _unclothed torso.

"HOLY HELSINKI! That's a-oh sweet heavenly love! Whoa whoa no, this is obviously one of the creature's tactics for attracting its prey. And oh man is it working…wha ha ha! No! NO way, that was only a silly joke on my part. Ah ha ha…never mind the fact that my mouth is watering that's just…rabies, ya know? Yah rabies, get a touch of it from time to time. Occupational hazard of a nature show host, ya know how it is-"

Tino paused for a moment and put a hand to his earpiece "Okay, I've just gotten confirmation from my production team that _Berwaldo oxenstiernas _is in fact, single. Oh _nice_, that is _good _news-wait… What am I saying?! Being attracted to the scary-faced thing is NOT good news! It is only doing this that way it can lure me into coming closer so it can eat my brains! No, I need my brains! AIHH!"

He curled up into a ball on the ground and started sobbing "This is a terrible traumatizing mission! Scary is bad enough but scary and attractive is just asking for trouble! I'm way too fragile for trouble. WAHH! I hate this!"

Meanwhile, Berwald was not doing a terrible lot better. He was so unsettled by the mysterious voice's words that he'd stopped chopping wood and was now laying back on the forest ground using his shirt as a pillow.

'_m so depressed…How can I take care of Snowball when I have a rabid voice in m' head telling me t' eat trees and people's brains? This is just not m' day…_


	3. Cute, but crazy

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_Now back to our show…_

Berwald had found the source of the mysterious voice and was relieved to learn that he was not hearing voices and going crazy. However the little guy following Berwald around and making commentary on him like he was on some sort of Discovery Channel show was _clearly_ insane.

"Welcome back! I'm Tino Väinämöinen and you're watching Wonderful Wildlife Weekly. As ya can see, _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ has finished harvesting his tree snacks and is now perched in front of his shelter, keen eyes darting across the landscape. Who knows what this fearsome predator is thinking right now?"

'_m wondering why yer wandering around m' yard and talking t' a non-existent camera crew._ Berwald thought as he sat on his front porch swing and warily watched Tino out of the corner of his eye.

"He's probably thinking about eating my brains…Wanh!" Tino sobbed. "No Tino, calm down. Ya have to get a hold of yourself. I can't let my viewers down, can I now?"

Well the crazy little guy was brave, Berwald would give him that. In this odd little reality Tino was living in Berwald was apparently some sort of menacing creature from the most terrifying corners of hell itself, but this didn't stop Tino from doing what he perceived to be his job. Despite the fact he thought Tino was a delusional nutcase, Berwald also found that he kind of respected the fellow.

"Arf!" Berwald's dog barked from behind the front door.

"Snowball! Come here girl," Berwald reached over and cracked open the door just enough so that Snowball could shuffle out the door and onto the porch.

"Hold on, something else is emerging from the structure…AWW!" Tino's eyes glittered as he caught sight of the fluffy dog "It's a puppy! How cute is that? Ah, what a sweet little creature…"

It was then that it came to Berwald's attention that Tino was pretty darn adorable. The way those bright brown eyes lit up and that soft, friendly face filled with strawberry blush as he looked over at little Snowball…

_Hm. Cute…but also clinically insane. __Dilemma__._ Berwald tried to figure out what exactly he thought of Tino as he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a dog treat and held it out to Snowball.

"Oh no, _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ is reaching out towards the cute dog…oh no, please don't tell me he's going to hurt-oh he's feeding it. Wait, why is this fearsome predator feeding-?" Tino's facial expression shifted from confusion to horror "Oh dear, he's probably luring it in so that he can devour it as a snack! AIHH! I can't watch. This is too much for my delicate mind to handle!"

Berwald frowned as he reached down and lifted Snowball into his arms before standing up and carrying her back into the cabin. Eating a _puppy_? Who would even _think_ of doing such things to an innocent little dog?

This Tino guy had serious issues, regardless of how adorable he seemed to appear. Berwald locked and bolted the door behind him and walked over to his computer. He was going to do a Google search and see if any of the nearby prisons were missing any incredibly violent inmates that matched Tino Väinämöinen's profile.


	4. Fact checking

It turns out that Tino was not an escaped violent convict. Berwald had learned via an in-depth internet search that Tino Väinämöinen had actually once been the host of a show called "Wonderful Wildlife Weekly". It'd been a pretty successful program, but it was canceled when the CEO of a large vodka manufacturer named Ivan Braginsky bought most of the station's shares and replaced Wonderful Wildlife Weekly with a show about sunflowers. Apparently Tino didn't handle his show canceling very well, and was soon admitted to a mental health hospital with a case of extreme delusional disorder.

Alright, Berwald now understood why the poor little guy was running around and acting like he was in front of a camera, but that still didn't explain why Tino was here at Berwald's completely isolated cabin of all places. That part of the puzzle still needed filling in.

_Guess on some level I got t' admire him. A lot of people would just give up on life and resort t' drug use and hookers. Least this guy is still determined t' do his job, even if he can't bring himself t' face reality yet_. Berwald shut off his computer and walked back over to the window, scanning the lawn for Tino. Where was that man?

"Yah, I think we're..." there Tino was, standing on the far corner of the lawn and sort of swaying on his feet "Ready for a commercial break now..." Then he collapsed into an exhausted heap on the grass.

_Uh oh._ Berwald undid the lock on the front door and went running over to the small fragile form sprawled across the ground. He was more relieved than he thought he'd be when he found that the cute little basketcase had a pulse and was breathing normally. Now that Berwald got to see him up close, he noticed that the man was covered in cuts and scratches.

_Nh, probably from falling in the bushes out of fright every time he catches a glance of m' "fearsome predator" face_. Berwald chuckled internally as he lifted Tino off the ground and carried him to the front porch. _Yah, 'm __pretty__terrifying__ the way I peacefully live in m' cabin and build furniture all day. _

He gently set Tino down on the front porch swing and went inside to fetch his first aid kit. If Berwald lived alone he would've just taken Tino inside, the gamble with his own life he was willing to take. But he still wasn't sure enough about this guy to let him anywhere near Snowball. That dog was seriously the philosophical and emotional equivalent of a grandchild to Berwald. Even though he was _mostly_ convinced that Tino wasn't the violent kind of insane, he couldn't bring himself to take that risk with Snowball's safety.

He began cleaning out the cuts and scrapes on Tino's arms and face with a hydrogen peroxide soaked cotton ball. The small fellow flinched a bit, but remained asleep.

_Poor tired guy_. Berwald finished putting bandages on the worst of the man's wounds and started pulling out the twigs and leaves that'd gotten themselves tangled up in Tino's silky hair.

Whoops, bad choice. Apparently_ Tinolus v__äinämöis_ could trap his victim's fingers with the smooth softness of his fair-colored locks. Moments later Berwald found himself unable to stop combing his hand through Tino's lovely blonde hair or remove his gaze from that adorable round-cheeked face.

_Dangit, yer really cute and sweet-looking. Nh, nope. 'm not falling for it. Yer adorableness doesn't affect me_-

Berwald froze as the smaller man stirred in his sleep. Tino smiled and rubbed his head against Berwald's hand like a cat before curling back up into the far end of the front porch swing.

The sound of his own heart pounding echoed through Berwald's brain as he sat paralyzed for a few moments. Then he shook his head and drew his hand back. _'lright, it might affect m' a __little__ bit, but not enough for m' t' be tricked into trusting ya._

Still though, Berwald couldn't help but be concerned about him. He went back to his cabin and got out a picnic blanket, which he carried over to the corner of the yard where he'd seen Tino collapse a minute before. He spread the blanket out on the ground, laid Tino down on the blanket and then went back to his cabin.

He emerged from the cabin a couple minutes later with a canteen of water and a paper bag containing a loaf of rye bread. The little guy needed some nourishment in order to avoid passing out again. Berwald set these items next to the sleeping Tino with a note tacked to them that read

"Take care of yourself. -Your Production Team"

_There, now he won't worry that it's part of m' "fearsome predator plan" t' eat his brains. _Berwald had the smallest of smiles on his face as he gave the cute but confusing _Tinolus v__äinämöis_ a soft pat on the head before retreating back into his home.


	5. Certain Doom

_When did my production team learn to cook so well?_ Tino thought as he took another bite of the pannkakor he'd found set outside his lean-to that morning. He was unsure what he thought about his production team as of late.

On the one hand Tino was still a bit frustrated with them for switching the subject of this week's episode last minute and for assigning him to study an absolutely frightening creature. Also, they never came to see him. The only team member he saw in person anymore was the cameraman, and the cameraman had ceased to be a good conversation partner once he'd transmogrified into an anthropomorphic sunflower a while back.

On the other hand they had also taken to leaving him these really sweet care packages and random delicious meals, which was a new thing for them. As a wildlife and nature expert Tino was pretty skillful at wilderness survival, so for out-of-society assignments like this he usually just foraged for food and whatnot. So he'd been pretty surprised the last few days to wake up each morning and find a box outside his makeshift shelter that contained things like food, fresh clothes and hygiene supplies. Maybe it was their way of trying to make up for giving him such a scary assignment.

_Well, they didn't really need to go __this__ far in the way of apologizing, but I have to admit that it does make my life out here a lot more comfortable._

He set the plate down after finishing off the last of the pannkakor and pulled the lid of today's cardboard box off. What else exactly did his production team think he needed? He had enough food and clothes, and he still had the soap and shampoo they'd given him earlier this week…so what was this?

"Ah, it's soft! And squishy…it's-ah! I love my production team! I'm making them all ten million thank you crepes whenever they finally decide to show up again."

Tino beamed as he pulled out the world's comfiest cushy quilt and wrapped it around himself. "Yay! This is the softest blanket on the entire planet! Ah, it's so nice and warm…" He held it around himself tighter and closed his eyes.

_This blanket makes me feel like I'm getting hugged by all the cute things in the world at once, like puppies and kitties and baby seals and hamsters and bunnies and chinchillas and Berwaldo oxenstiernas-wait…NO DANGIT!_

"Gah! He's not cute! What's gotten into me?" Tino blurted out as he tried shaking the idea out of his head "Why would I even _think_ that? It must be part of his fearsome predator brain-eating plan. Yah, that's it. Calm down Tino, ya can resist his devious tricks. Ya can do this-"

He took a deep breath in and tried to resume thinking about adorable things.

_Squirrels ponies unicorns dolphins penguins Berwaldo Ox-__**NO**__ kangaroos koalas pandas Ber-no no no dangit dangit __dangit!__ What's wrong with me? Stupid susceptibility_. Tino buried his face into the quilt and rocked back and forth as he bemoaned his involuntary attraction to this fearsome hot hunk of hell-spawn.

The sound of his earpiece bleeping forced him out of his self-pity party. He sighed and reached down for it. Tino wondered sometimes why exactly the team had decided to replace his earpiece with a gob of silly-putty a few months back, and at that, why he could still hear them on it. Come to think of it, that was also about the time when the cameraman turned into a sunflower.

_How did my life come to be so weird_? Tino wondered as he placed his earpiece in and listened. The color drained from his face when he listened to what his objective was for the day.

"W-well Blanket..." Tino said in a shaky voice as he stood up on trembling knees and folded the quilt before placing it in the back of his lean-to "It was really nice knowing ya. There's about a 110% chance that I'm going to die very painfully today, but I just wanted to let ya know that ya were my one friend in this cruel wilderness. It would've been really nice if we'd gotten to have more than three minutes together, but I guess that's the way life is sometimes yah?"

With that he picked up the burnt-out flashlight that his team had given him to use as a microphone about the same time as the silly putty earpiece switch-out and frightfully started walking towards certain doom.

Berwald stared vacantly at the tranquil lake in front of him as he leaned back against a tall willow tree and tried to imagine how precious _Tinolus v__äinämöis_ probably looked wrapped up in the quilt he'd left for him this morning. The image of the scene in his head was so warm and fuzzy that it was actually rather amazing that Berwald's brain didn't turn into a chinchilla just from thinking about it.

_Cute…_

_But so…random…_

"Random" was certainly the right word for it. _Tinolus v__äinämöis_ had the ability to make up the most far-fetched and bizarre explanations for things that it saw and had come up with so many odd interpretations of the reality of Berwald's life that he was having a difficult time keeping track of them all. Berwald would be doing something as mundane as mowing his lawn and then Tino would show up and start explaining to the non-existent camera that _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ actually used grass clippings to weave traps for pterodactyls. Also, according to Tino, Berwald's front porch swing would open a portal to Antarctica if you rocked back and forth in it fast enough.

Oh, and also the brain-eating plots. Apparently _Tinolus v__äinämöis_ interpreted about one third of Berwald's actions to be part of a plan to eat something's or someone's brain, usually Tino's.

A couple days ago Berwald had decided that, just for laughs, he should deliberately do something strange and nonsensical just to see what Tino would come up with as an explanation for it. So Berwald constructed a giant papier-mâché statue of a can of crayfish and set it out on his lawn. Tino informed the audience that this was probably either an extremely inefficient sundial or an attempt to summon the devil.

This was the most entertainment Berwald had gotten ever since an unfortunate incident trapped him in the isolated cabin a little over two years back. So in the interest of keeping Tino around he decided to start feeding him and stuff.

Maybe it wasn't good for Tino to think that the imaginary production team was leaving him things. Maybe Berwald was just feeding the delusion and ultimately making it harder for Tino to mentally recover, but how was Berwald supposed to know what to do about that?

'_m a carpenter, not a psychiatrist, geez. Still though, I feel bad for him. He seems like a sweet person. Want t' take him in, but I still don't know whether he's violent or not. He thinks a lot about brain-eating after all, 'nd I promised Snowball's mom that I'd never let her daughter's brain get eaten. Nh, this is all too hard t' figure out…_

Berwald's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a squeak from behind him. He opened his eyes and listened as the scared little voice started to speak.

"W-welcome back to Wonderful Wildlife Weekly...this n-next segment will probably be the very last I g-get to do because it's probably going to kill me..."

This was closer than he'd ever heard Tino's voice before. He must've been just a couple meters behind Berwald. The confused carpenter decided to remain perfectly still in order to avoid scaring the timid and delicate _Tinolus v__äinämöis_ away.

"So for this segment my objective is to-" Tino gulped "…try and hug _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_."

Berwald's face grew warm. _Hm. Yah, that's a pretty good plan._ Blush was spreading across his skin like an invasive weed as he heard Tino set down his flashlight/microphone and slowly start to approach him from the side.

"Ahhh…his face is turning red, he's probably angry. Please don't kill me creature…please, I promise I'm like a friendly guy and everything… Holy Martin Luther I'm going to die. WAH! No, okay. On the count of three I'm going to step forward and hug him. One…two..thr-"

**Don't go away! Wonderful Wildlife Weekly will be right back after **_**these messages**_**.**


	6. Sneaky Snuggle Attack

**Valued readers: Clarifying the timeline, Berwald has been stuck in the cabin for two years. Tino turned delusional after his show got canceled five or six months ago (thus, why the cameraman seemed to turn into a sunflower and other random things). Most of Tino's time since then was spent in a mental health hospital until he got out and then showed up at Berwald's cabin about a week ago.**

**I'm sorry that I didn't make this very clear. Thank you for being patient with me as I work to improve my writing skills. Also thank you for the wacky, fun and kind reviews. **_**Glittero trailsus **_**loves reviews. Love all around!**

"…thr-EEAGH!" Tino yelped as Berwald reached out and grabbed him before the countdown was done.

_Gotcha!_ Berwald thought as he pulled Tino closer and gave him a huge bear hug. _Mighty Hunter Berwald has caught th' ever elusive Tinolus v__äinämöis, who is __very__ comfortable t' hug, by th' way-_

"AIHHH! EAGHHHH! GAHHH! BLAHHHH! WAHHH!" Tino cried in extreme fright as he struggled uselessly in an attempt to get free.

_Nh, he doesn't seem very happy. Best let him go._ Berwald reluctantly released Tino and watched as he ran away into the woods, still screaming his lungs out.

…'_lright then. _Berwald shrugged and turned back to the tranquil lake. _He says he's going t' hug me, so I hug him…and then he runs away screaming. Yah… this guy makes no sense. Still cute though._

The sound of leaves crunching in the distance drew Berwald's gaze away from the lake again. Two large brown eyes were peeking out at him from behind a nearby tree trunk, though when their gaze met Tino squeaked and hid behind the tree again.

_Shy, huh? Cute. Wonder if he'll come back if I just stand perfectly still and let him make the first move…_

Berwald looked back at the lake and became completely stationary, listening but not reacting as the sound of Tino's footsteps slowly grew closer and closer.

_Maybe I should think twice before trying to hug him again..._Tino thought as he inched closer.

_He's like a crazy strong wall of muscle and I probably won't be able to get away if he doesn't want me to._

There was less than a yard between them now, though _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ didn't so much as glance over at him.

_But maybe I don't really want to get away as much as I think I do… _

**YOLO!**

"AIHH!" Tino shrieked as he jumped forward and locked his skinny arms around _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_'s warm, muscular torso. He closed his eyes, hid his face in the fabric of the creature's shirt and started trembling as he waited for the end.

For the longest two minutes of Tino's life _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ remained completely stationary. Then, slowly, the creature lifted his arms up and gently folded them across Tino's back. Tino could basically feel his own brains melting into whale blubber as _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ pulled their bodies closer together and buried his face into Tino's hair.

Tino was color-changing to tickle-me-pink as he turned his head to face the cameraman again "Yah…ha ha ha! Well, um…" The pink turned to magenta as the creature started to snuggle Tino more aggressively "It would seem that the seemingly fearsome predator _Berwaldo oxenstiernas _can really be quite affectionate. _Very _affectionate actually. Err…"

Tino's ability to put together coherent words was derailed when _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ started moving one of his large, strong hands up the back of Tino's neck and sliding his fingers through Tino's hair. All Tino could do was stand there helplessly as Berwald brushed Tino's bangs back and started to softly press his lips against Tino's forehead.

_Wait…what? What's he doing-? HOLY HOLLY BOUGHS!_

"NOO! He's used his sneaky snuggle-attack powers to liquefy my brains and now he wants to suck them out of my skull like a yogurt pop! AHH!"

_Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ released his hold on Tino as soon as the smaller man started struggling. As Berwald watched him sprint off into the woods he was pretty sure that Tino wouldn't be coming back for thirds, which was really too bad.

_Nh, kissing Tino on th' forehead was probably too much. Feel a bit guilty for scarin' him. Maybe 'll give him flowers tomorrow morning t' make up for it. Yah, that'd be good. _Berwald nodded to himself before his knees gave out and he fell unconscious to the forest floor.

_Hmm…counter-attacking by having yer inherent adorableness overwhelm m' nervous system. _Berwald noted as his mind was slowly smothered by a cozy black blanket of sleep _Well played, Tinolus v__äinämöis, well played._


	7. Rain and Snowball

Tino was exhausted, shivering and scared as he sat in the corner of the lean to and curled up into the tightest ball that he possibly could. It was about six hours after the _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ "sneaky snuggle attack" and his nose had finally stopped bleeding about 20 minutes ago. He didn't think it was likely that the shelter would last through this thunderstorm, or that he himself would last much longer at any rate.

_Maybe I should've just let him suck my brains out. As least then I would've died warm... _

He closed his eyes and wrapped the rain-soaked quilt around himself tighter, with the thought in his mind to give the grim reaper a "thank you" hug whenever he came.

A tiny bark pierced the rushing sound of heavy rain. Tino's head shot up. "Puppy?"

"Arf!"

Tino gasped "What is a puppy doing out in weather like this? Puppy! Where are ya little creature?" Tino stood up on shaky legs and stumbled outside as he tried spot the dog through the barrage of speeding raindrops.

A white, fluffy form rushed to his feet, put her front paws on the top of his shoes and looked up at him with large, shiny, pitiful eyes. Tino smiled and lifted her into his arms before staggering over to a relatively dry spot under a large bushy tree.

"There, we're a little drier under here," Tino sighed and slumped against the side of the tree. The small dog in his arms curled her paws under her body and rested her fuzzy head against his shoulder. Tino beamed as he started scratching her gently behind the ears. "Finally I get to see some wonderful wildlife on this episode. But I don't think you're very wild, are ya? I'm willing to bet ya probably belong to someone."

He reached down and felt for a collar around the dog's neck "Ah, yep. Ya do have a collar. A nice one too." He blinked the rainwater out of his eyes as he leaned in to get a closer look at it. It was made of high quality leather and had an intricate snowflake and heart pattern carefully etched onto it.

"Wow, somebody loves ya," Tino commented as he noticed that she smelled like lavender shampoo from a recent dog bath and that her fur, though wet, was silky soft from frequent brushing. "Yah, ya have a good master don't ya? Let's check the tag and see who it is so that we can get ya back to a nice warm place where ya can get taken care of-"

Tino located the small heart-shaped charm on the front of her collar and read the inscription. His eyes bulged out of their sockets and nearly exploded.

_-If found, please return to __Berwald Oxenstierna-_

Berwald sent mud and leaves flying into the air as he frantically tore through the shrubbery around his house in search of Snowball. His pet dog was scared witless of thunderstorms. If she was home alone during a storm then she would break out of the house and come running to find Berwald. Usually Berwald would come home if he saw that a storm was about to start, but this afternoon, thanks to the hugging shenanigans with Tino, he'd woken up in a muddy puddle on the forest floor with walls of rain already crashing to the earth.

_MustfindSnowballMustfindSnowballMustfindSnowballMu stfindSnowballMustfindSnowballMustfindSnowballMust findSnowballMustfindSnowballMustfindSnowballMustfi ndSnowballMustfindSnowball_ the single objective repeated through Berwald's mind as he became more panicked and started uprooting shrubberies and small trees from the earth. He felt like a failure. Berwald had sworn to protect that innocent creature. Her mother and siblings he'd tried and failed to save, he owed it to them to protect their daughter and sister.

"T-there there Puppy. See, there's your m-master… L-looks like he's searching for ya…"

Berwald nearly jumped at the sound of Tino's voice. He turned around to find the odd little man walking towards his cabin, tenderly holding Snowball in his arms.

"Ah…I t-think he sees us. There, now ya can be safe with him. He must not be too fearsome to have a cute, fluffy pet dog…though he's probably still going to eat my brains, because I'm not really cute or fluffy, but that's not important! The important thing is getting ya home, isn't that right girl?"

"Arf!"

Meanwhile, Berwald stood perfectly still as his brain ran another character analysis on Tino Väinämöinen.

Tino ≠ fluffy

BUT

Tino = cute

Tino ≠ sane

BUT

Tino = nice to Snowball

Tino's brain = scrambled pancakes

BUT

Tino's heart = gentle, sweet and selfless

Therefore

Tino = love = snuggle = put in Berwald's cabin = yes.

_Yah, that's about right. _Berwald decided as he walked over, scooped them both up into his arms and carried an excited and happy Snowball and a scared and screaming Tino through the cabin's front door.


	8. Trust Issues and a Dirty Mind

As soon as Berwald set him down in the cabin's living room, Tino dashed off to a corner and hid under an enormous comforter. _Well,_ Berwald thought, _if that's what makes ya feel safe..._

He let Tino remain there while he washed all the mud out of Snowball's fur and then went to take a shower himself. When he came back into the living room, he found that Tino was still rolled up in a ball under the huge, fluffy blanket and that Snowball, apparently equivocating a comforter-covered Tino with a large cushion, was curled up on top of him and peacefully taking a nap.

_Nh, that's pretty adorable_, Berwald noted. Still though, it would probably be best for Tino's health if he would get out from under there and take a warm shower and change clothes.

Snowball opened her eyes when Berwald came and knelt down beside them. She wearily stretched and hopped back to Berwald's side, turning around and facing them as if she was waiting to see the scene unfold.

"Hey-" Berwald started as he reached down and gently shook the Tino-blanket blob.

"AIH!" the blanket-blob jumped and tried to scoot farther back into the corner. "Please don't eat my brains!"

"Shh, it's 'lright. Don't have any interest in eating yer br-"

"HOLY MARTIN LUTHER!" Tino's head emerged from the blanket from the briefest of moments. "Ya can TALK?!"

"Yah."

"AIHHH!" Tino screamed as he pulled his head back under the blanket again. "I-I didn't know ya could talk."

"Nh, well...not known for talkin' much-"

"Why do ya want to eat my brains? I'm pretty sure they're not tasty and I can guarantee ya there's not very much of them."

"Mm, don't want t' eat yer brains."

"I don't think I believe ya..." Tino sobbed.

Berwald didn't really know how to have Tino realize that he wasn't a brain-eater, so he decided to stop trying to convince him and changed the subject.

"Yah... anyways. Ya should probably take a shower now."

"S-shower?" Tino poked his head out again "Like a warm one?"

"Yah. Ya would be more comfortable if ya did."

"Hmm, I guess that _would_ feel pretty nice after bathing in a cold lake for a week..." Tino seemed to be seriously considering it. Then he squeaked and hid under the blanket again "No Tino! Don't listen to him! This is obviously the fearsome predator's plan to have ya take all your clothes off so he can put his attractive warm strong hands all over your naked body. Don't fall for it Tino! Don't be seduced!"

Berwald raised an eyebrow as he turned back to his pet dog, who seemed just as confused as he was.

"Snowball, I think yer new grandma has some trust issues 'nd a dirty mind. Second part is not bad, we'll have t' work on th' trust issues though."

"Arf," Snowball agreed.

"Ya keep him company 'lright? Think I have a plan."

Snowball seemed to understand. She curled up next to the Tino-blanket blob while her master disappeared into the kitchen.

_**One hour later…**_

Eventually worrying so much wore Tino out and he started dozing off. When he awoke again the first thing he was aware of was a lovely sweet aroma filling the room.

Tino curiously poked his head out from underneath the blanket. His mouth immediately started watering when he saw a saucer placed in front of him containing three warm sugar cookies.

"Ah…" Tino's eyes became large and shiny "That…looks…_delicious_…" He looked both ways, and, seeing nobody else in the room, slid out from under the blanket and sat cross-legged on the floor, smiling as he held a cookie with both hands and started nibbling on it like a squirrel.

Once he'd finished licking the crumbs of the last cookie off of his face, Tino looked a few feet ahead of him and noticed another sugar cookie lying on a napkin, and then another cookie on a napkin a few feet ahead of that. There seemed to be a whole line of them.

His face lit up and, after checking one more time to make sure the room was really empty, he started dashing around the room, eagerly devouring the nearest sugar cookie before proceeding to the next one.

Tino didn't seem to notice that this trail of cookies was leading him out of the living room and down the hallway. Nor did he notice that when he'd hit the mother load, an entire plate full of cookies accompanied by a glass of milk, that he was now sitting in the middle of a bathtub.

"Yah, yer new grandma doesn't seem t' have much common sense," Berwald commented to Snowball as he stood in the hallway and closed the bathroom door behind Tino. "That's 'lright, as long as he gets a shower."

Snowball wagged her tail in agreement.

"Hm, well I'll be in m' workshop, that way m' boss doesn't destroy our souls for not getting any work done today. Ya keep an eye on cute 'nd crazy, 'lright?"

"Arf!"

"Good girl. 'nd also try not t' eat his brains," Berwald added with a slight smile "Seems like he needs th' ones he has."

**Khaji – Answer to your question next chapter. There's actually a plot-relevant explanation for that, unlike the historically-misplaced blue jeans from a few stories back. XD**


	9. Pawprints

"Welcome back to Wonderful Wildlife Weekly! I'm your host Tino Väinämöinen and in this segment we will be observing _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ in his mysterious lumber lair."

Berwald looked up from his carpentry to see Tino, hair still slightly damp from showering, standing at the entrance of his workshop holding a flashlight like a microphone and, once again, talking to a non-existent camera person.

_'lright, yer still crazy but at least now yer not covered in cold mud anymore. Progress_. Berwald decided as he turned back to his work. He couldn't help stealing another glance at Tino though. The smaller man was wearing a set of Berwald's pajamas, and they were entirely too tall for him. Tino's hands were several inches away from the end of the shirt sleeves and his feet were buried under heaps of excess pants fabric.

Why did Berwald find that so adorable? Perhaps because it highlighted just how very delicate and little Tino was compared to Berwald, making Tino seem even more like a helpless cute thing that Berwald could wrap himself around and protect. Or maybe Berwald had just been stuck alone in a cabin for entirely too long, who knew?

He shook his head and tried to refocus on the table he was crafting, but the randomness and adorableness of Tino was making concentration very VERY difficult.

"...building abstract wood structures, likely for religious purposes, which he then hordes in this secret lair in order to keep them from being stolen by his natural competitors."

"What are m' natural competitors?" Berwald inquired.

"Pro-wrestlers and honeybees," Tino replied before jumping when he realized who he was talking to and then turning around to face him "Ah! That's right, I forgot that ya could talk. I guess I could just interview ya about what you're doing, couldn't I?"

"I guess yah."

"Well then it's a bit silly for me to be standing over here just going off what my production crew tells me, isn't it now?" Tino smiled sheepishly as he climbed over the maze of lumber piles and in-progress furniture pieces. Berwald took note that this was the first time Tino was approaching him without any signs of fear or anxiety.

What had been the turnaround point? Was it the fact that Tino had been inside Berwald's home for about four hours without having his brains sucked out? Or that he realized that Berwald had no intentions of creeping on him in the shower? Or was it because Berwald had just recently fed him an entire batch of freshly baked sugar cookies?

In any case, Berwald was glad that Tino was feeling more comfortable around him. Because basically the instant he saw Tino saving Snowball Berwald became absolutely certain that he wanted Tino to be his cuddle-plushie of affectionate love and Snowball's grandmother.

"So," Tino started when he was finally standing by Berwald's side "Can ya tell us about the wood crafting you're doing right now?"

"Yah sure," Berwald replied, his face turning red as Tino held the flashlight-microphone out to him "It's m' job. People order custom furniture pieces online 'nd I build them. That's about it."

"Whoa," Tino's eyes widened "Well that's quite a bit different than what we had on record. I'm glad ya were able to correct us on that," He glanced back toward the camera "Production team, I'm glad ya have a good editor because ya guys SUCK at fact-checking, just thought ya should know."

Tino turned back towards Berwald with a smile "Anyways, that's pretty neat! I've never gotten to report on a species that is employed and has its own online business before."

"…ya mean humans?"

Tino laughed. "Aww…he thinks he's a human." He gently patted Berwald on the head "That's so cute! I used to have a pet Savanna Monitor when I was growing up that was the exact same way, would eat at the table with us and everything."

_Ya kept a computer screen as a pet 'nd had it eat at yer table with ya?_ Berwald thought while the head-scratches from Tino converted his brains into pancake batter _Hm, seems ya were even crazy as a child, though not as crazy…_His eyes started to close as Tino started scratching him behind the ears _…as I think 'm becoming about ya…_

"Oh hey," Berwald's eyes shot open again as Tino drew his hand back. "What's this?"

Tino kneeled over to get a closer look at the wood-burned design on the bottom of the back leg of a nearby chair. It seemed to be a picture of a paw print with a heart in the middle of the palm and small snowflakes in each of the paw's toes.

"Oh, th' pawprint? That's m' company's logo," Berwald explained.

_Company's...logo..._

_"You're watching Wonderful Wildlife Weekly filming __again__ in the charmingly quaint setting of The Inpatient Psychological Recovery Center, a very interesting setting for my production team to choose for __**twenty two weeks in a row**__."_

_"Anyways, yah! So this episode will feature, once again, the beta fish at the receptionist's desk. Isn't it great that we get to learn so much about this exciting little bundle of aquatic life? I bet we can get him to move an entire centimeter for us today! Go for it Bomber! Ya can go speeding across that tank, I know ya can!"_

_Beta fish: ..._

_"Looks like he's feeling a little shy. Ya know, I'm starting to think Bomber the Beta Fish might just have hearing problems. Think he'd tell us about it if we asked him?"_

_"Good morning Mr. __Väinämöinen__, keeping Bomber company again, how nice of you!"_

_"Oh hello Nurse __Elizabeta__! Yah, just filming my show, ya know how it is."_

_"I sure do!" She beamed as she opened the door so that members of the custodial staff could start moving a stack of large boxes into the building._

_Tino stopped talking to the beta fish for a bit to watch the boxes being brought in. He noticed that there was a paw print decorated with a heart and snowflakes on the side._

"_Hey Nurse__ Elizabeta__, what are these?" Tino inquired._

"_Oh it's ever so nice! A lot of the furniture at the center was old and falling apart, so we were going to order some from this little private company. But when the gentleman who owned the company heard that we were a non-profit medical facility he insisted on giving it all to us for free."_

"_Aww…" Tino smiled "That is very sweet of him!"_

"_Yes, he's very sweet. When I tried to pay him for it he said he refuses to be paid for helping medical facilities or animal shelters."_

"_Animal shelters too? A man after my own heart! Who is this super-nice-guy?"_

"_I believe the gentleman's name was…__Berwald Oxenstierna…"_

**Readers and Reviewers: Bushels of thanks for all the love and support! I always love seeing your responses, it makes me smile every time. Sorry I'm a little slower on updating with this one. I work on the story every day, I'm just not typing as fast for some reason.**

**Love all around!**


	10. By Your Side

Tino woke up stretched out on a sofa with a blanket thrown over him and Snowball curled up on his shoulder. A hearty slice of sandwich cake was sitting on a plate atop the coffee table beside the sofa.

"Yummy!" Tino exclaimed, causing Snowball to wake up and wander down from the couch. He sat up and took the plate into his hands "Though I wonder if I should be a little bit worried that I keep waking up to food of an undetermined origin…"

He paused to consider it "Though really, it's not that hard to figure out. There's only one in this house that could be the possible creator of this food, so the origin is kind of obvious…"

Tino turned to the small white dog and smiled "Thank ya for all the food Snowball! You're a wonderful cook!"

"Arf," replied Snowball, who was looking at Tino like he was a complete fool as he gobbled up the sandwich cake.

"Yah! That was super delicious. Thank ya girl!" Tino knelt down on the floor and held his arms out towards her. The dog's attitude quickly changed as she came running up onto his lap.

"Aww, you're a cute little cheese castle, yah ya are! Who is such a fluffy flower egg? My sweet sardine picnic, so adorable! Yah I know ya were the one who cooked it, because it doesn't taste anything like brains! Want to know why _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ hasn't eaten my brains yet? It's because I used a super sneaky trick that involved putting on a pair of his pajamas that way he thinks I'm just a clone of him! Pretty good trick yah?"

_You have to be the most clueless organism alive…_ Snowball thought to herself as she rolled around on her back with her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth. _But you give really great belly-scratches, which is all that really matters._

"Oh, speaking of your master, I best get back to observing him. It's my job ya know. Ah but ya are really, really cute! I can see why he likes ya so much," Tino gave her one last belly scratch and a kiss on the forehead before setting her down and heading back to Berwald's workshop.

Berwald did not like the idea of leaving Tino alone after the little guy had gone into some strange trance a while ago, but seeing as he was already behind quota and his boss was literally a demon that had it in for him and Snowball, he really didn't have much of a choice.

_Nh, Snowball will come get m' if things get worse. Besides, left him with food 'nd everything. Rest is probably what he needs in any case._

That said, Berwald was sanding with a lot more ferocity than he normally did, and he couldn't say that this was completely unrelated to his desire to return to Tino's side as soon as possible. Although this was really unnecessary because moments later Berwald discovered that Tino had apparently decided to return to him.

"Hey Big Guy!" Tino greeted him with a sunny smile "Ya look surprised to see me! I told ya I would be right back after these messages, didn't I?"

Berwald grunted in response as he desperately tried to focus on the task in front of him instead of Tino's sweet smiling face.

"So would ya be able to answer another question for us?"

_No!_ responded Berwald's sense of logic.

"Yah sure," Berwald replied aloud. Clearly the influence of logic on Berwald's mind was rapidly diminishing.

"I noticed ya don't seem to have a helicopter pad or a car, so how do ya deliver furniture to the people who order it?"

"Mm," Berwald grumbled "That's a good question. Guess I can show ya. Follow m'."

Tino followed _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ over to the other side of the workshop where a brightly painted trapdoor was stuck in the floor.

"Stand back," Berwald cautioned as he softly knocked on the trap door and then stepped away.

Tino gasped as all the lights in the room dimmed and the trap door flew open. A dark shape started to emerge from below the floorboards. Once Tino's eyes adjusted to the light, he could see that the dark shape was actually a floating straw statue of a goat with red glowing eyes.

"Am, am I going crazy?" Tino asked with a shaky voice, "Or is thatJoulupukki?"

"Nh," Berwald couldn't offer much assurance about Tino's sanity in general, but he could confirm what was actually in front of them. "Yah, that's the Yule Goat. He's m'... employer..."

Tino's facial expression changed from one of worry to one of delight. "You're employed by the Yule Goat? That is so neat!"

"Hmm..." Berwald stared warily at the straw goat as it descended back under the floorboards "Yah I guess it's 'lright. Anyways, he's th' one who delivers everything...since he can teleport places 'nd stuff."

"This has to be one of the most spectacular things I've ever reported on! I love stuff like that, Christmas is my second very favorite, the first being cute animals of course!"

"Ya like Christmas huh?"

"Yah! I love it!"

Like a replacement bulb being twisted into place on a string of holiday lights, an idea started to flicker to life in Berwald's brain.

"I see..."

_Think there might be a nice way t' get Tino out of m' workshop for a while so I can finish m' work 'nd avoid having m' grandchild's soul and m' own soul being taken by m' crazy boss._

**Forty minutes later…**

Tino skipped to Berwald's side when the creature called him over to a room down the hall. He took a look through the doorway and gasped when he saw that the bedroom was strung up with strings of rainbow holiday lights, garlands were wrapped around the bedposts and a huge snowflake bedspread was laid out across the bed.

"This is holiday-tastic! It makes my heart so happy and warm inside!" Tino ran up to the bed and jumped into the middle of the snowflake comforter. He was so pleased that he didn't hear the bedroom door close behind him and Berwald slip back away to his workshop.

Tino rolled himself up in the fluffy snowflake comforter and smiled up at the glowing Christmas lights. "Hah, this is so festive! It makes me want to sing every holiday song I know by heart twice, and then backwards!"

**Five and a half hours later…**

"…_night holy night silent!_ Yah, I think that's about all of it." He nodded to himself and returned to quietly gazing up at the bright lights.

…

"Hey!" Tino sat up "Where did _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ go? I can't believe I let myself lose track of him for so long! What kind of wildlife investigator am I?"

He rolled back out of the blanket and tucked it under his arm as he opened the door and started to wander down the hall. "Stupid spaciness! Well, to my credit that Christmas bed was _really_ comfy-" Tino stopped suddenly when he reached the living room.

There lay the fearsome predator _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_, sprawled out across the living room sofa in a peaceful slumber. One of his muscular arms hung over the side of the couch while the other clutched Snowball to his side as her tiny front paws rested on top of his giant hand.

_And there went my brains turning into whale blubber again,_ Tino noted as he, against his better judgment, started slowly stepping towards the sofa.

"Somehow…this looks even more comfy," Tino hesitated for a moment, looked around the living room to make sure nobody was watching, and then quietly slid onto the sofa and under Berwald's massive arm. Tino was quivering as he softly spread the snowflake blanket over the three of them. He froze as he felt _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ stir in his sleep and Berwald's warm strong fingers wrap around Tino's shoulder.

_Well, I did always imagine that I'd meet my end while on a risky assignment,_ Tino thought to himself as he closed his eyes and curled up closer to the fearsome creature's side. _And I can't think of a better place to die than in this dangerous beauty's arms._

Thus, Tino fell asleep not particularly caring if he ever woke up again, and Berwald was having some of the best dreams of his life for reasons that wouldn't become apparent until the dreams ended.


	11. The Real Question

Berwald opened his eyes to find a patch of light-colored fluff sticking out from under the blanket beside him.

"Snowball?" he yawned as he rubbed his eyes and put his glasses back on. Then he lifted the blanket up and got the surprise of his life.

"HUH?!"

"AIHHH!" Tino shrieked in response, but then fell silent when Berwald covered him with a blanket again.

Berwald was only 30% awake as he looked around the room for Snowball. He was relieved to find her curled up at his feet, but he was still pretty confused about everything else. Just to make sure he wasn't imagining things, he pulled the blanket off of Tino's face.

"AIHH!"

_'lright..._ Tino became quiet once more when Berwald had set the blanket back down. _Don't remember putting him there. Did he not like th' Christmas set up I put in th' bedroom? He seemed t' like it...maybe he just thinks 'm warm. Yah, probably just likes m' body heat is all._

He stared at the blonde floof of hair poking out from the comforter next to him. _Curls up next t' warm things hm? Kinda like a cat. Cute..._

Curiosity prompted Berwald to pull back the blanket one more time. This time Tino didn't scream. Instead he pulled out his microphone-flashlight and started talking to the non-existent cameraman.

"Good morning and welcome to another exciting episode of Wonderful Wildlife Weekly! I'm your host Tino Väinämöinen and today I will be talking-err..." Tino paused as _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ gently pried the microphone-flashlight from his hands and set it far out of his reach "Or...maybe I won't be talking? Umm..." Tino's cheeks turned rosy as the creature wrapped his arms around Tino and pulled their bodies breathtakingly close together.

Tino's heart sped up like a sprinting quarter horse as one of _Berwaldo oxenstiernas's_ warm, work-worn hands started softly stroking the side of his face. Every molecule in Tino's body felt like it was simultaneously glowing with anxious electricity and sinking into sweet, squishy surrender,

_I'm not really sure what's happening to me, but I think I'm enjoying it,_ Tino decided as he closed his eyes and nuzzled his head against the creature's muscular chest. _Is this how the prey of anglerfish feel as they swim up to the luminescent esca?_

"Just so ya know," Tino mentioned "My brains are in fact liquefied at this point, in case ya were planning on sucking them out of my skull or something."

"Nh. Don't want t' eat yer brains," _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ mumbled drowsily as he closed his eyes "Told ya that 'lready."

"Ya really don't? Not even a little?"

"N't a bit."

Tino was puzzled "But if ya don't want to eat my brains, then what survival instinct are ya acting on right now?"

"Mm, instinct t' sleep?"

"Sleep? _Oh!_ Are ya trying to kill me via liquefying my brains so I won't be able to ruin your sleep by waking ya up again?"

For the first time ever Tino thought he heard Berwald laugh, though it could've also been an aggressive death growl, who could tell?

"Yer cute Tino," the creature yawned before patting Tino gently on the head and then drifting back to sleep.

Tino turned crimson. _Me? Cute? I-I guess...I never really thought of myself as one way or the other. I guess I don't mind being called cute. I like cute things, so it's not that bad yah? When he holds me like this I feel kind of cute, like a little, fuzzy kitten cuddling with a huge, fluffy collie._

_But that makes no sense yah? I know I'm not a kitten, I'm a wildlife investigator. The real question is, what is __he__? What is this huge block of muscle that acts like a snuggle-fluff, keeps an adorable dog as a pet and has his own online furniture website?_ _Where did he come from? Why is he here?_

_And why do I feel like I'd love him regardless of what the answers to any of those questions are?_

**Khaji: "…become ****a crazy demon goat with stock in the carpentry business…" XD You have the most hilarious way of phrasing things Bro. Totally cracking me up.**

**All my readers, and especially my reviewers, as always: I love the heck out of all of you, you guys are awesome. Peace out and thanks again for all the love and support.**

**Love all around. **


	12. Breakfast, Lunch and Backstory

"So if ya don't eat brains or wood pulp, what _do_ ya eat?" Tino asked as he, Berwald and Snowball sat at the table munching on cereal and kibbles together.

"Well 'm eating cereal with ya right now..."

"Well, besides that, I mean."

"The same things ya do, probably," Berwald replied as he took a sip of coffee. "Human food, or whatever ya want t' call it."

"So ya eat human food..."

"Yah, most humans do."

"Aww..." Tino patted him on the shoulder "That's so cute how ya think you're a human. I wonder how that happened. Were ya raised by humans I wonder?"

"Yah."

"Ah, that would explain it then," Tino nodded before taking another bite of cereal. "So was it just this morning ya figured out my disguise or did ya see through it before then?"

Berwald raised an eyebrow "Ya were disguised?"

"Yah, I tried to disguise myself as a clone of ya by wearing your pajamas so ya wouldn't eat my brains. Although I guess that was pretty silly looking back now yah? I should've believed ya the first time ya told me ya weren't a brain-eater."

"...I see..."

_Disguising yerself as a clone of m' by wearing a pair of m' pajamas... Suppose there are strategies more ridiculous than that, just not very many._

Berwald finished his cup of coffee and got up from the table. "Well, 'll be in m' workshop."

"Okay!" Tino got up and followed him "I'll come help ya!"

"NH!" Berwald's heart nearly stopped. While he trusted Tino to be an ethical person with a gentle heart and good intentions, he did NOT perceive Tino as someone sane enough to be safe around power tools "Nh, that's fine. Ya don't have to help m'."

"Oh but I want to," Tino replied with a bright smile "Ya have been ever so kind to me, and I've been having all these silly misconceptions about ya, please let me make it up to ya by helping ya out."

"Hm." What was a polite way to say 'I think ya would kill yerself if ya used power tools.'? Was there a polite way of saying that? Probably not.

_Think__ Berwald!_

"If ya...really want to help..."

"I do!"

"Then 've always wanted, umm..." Berwald grabbed a stack of paper and the set of paints he'd used on the paper mache can of crayfish. "Lovely pictures of animals t' decorate m' hallway. Ya want to paint m' some?"

Tino's eyes lit up "Oh really? That's more like fun than work to me but alright! If that's how ya want me to help then that's what I'll do!"

"Yah thanks," Berwald replied as he slipped away to work, proud of himself for finding a way of keeping Tino far from power tools for at least a few hours.

Around midday, when Berwald emerged from his workshop tired and covered in sawdust, he caught sight of his hallway wall and nearly fainted.

"Did ya...look up photos off of Google for reference or something?" Berwald asked as he stepped closer to an amazingly lifelike painting of a baby giraffe.

"Oh hi Berwald!" Tino called from the kitchen before running over. "Ah, actually that's not based off a photo, just me painting from memory."

"Yer kidding."

Tino shook his head.

"…'m at a loss of words."

Tino blushed "Ha ha! You're too kind, really. I'm glad ya like it though."

"Amazing…" Berwald's eyes widened as he walked down the hall. The other paintings featured an otter, an ocelot and a poison dart frog, and all were done with as skillfully as the first. "Didn't know ya were an artist."

"Oh I wouldn't say that I was. I just love looking at wonderful animals, so it's fun to paint them too."

"I see…" Berwald stepped into the kitchen and found that Tino had started another painting, this one featuring a large, brown lizard. "Hm. What's this one?"

"Ah, that? That's a picture of the pet Savanna Monitor I had when I was growing up. I think I told ya about him, he was the one who thought he was a human and ate at the table with us."

"Monitor is a type of lizard? That makes more sense. Thought ya were talkin' about a computer screen."

Tino started laughing "Really? Ah ha ha ha! Ya thought I kept a computer screen as a pet? That's so silly. Ah, ya must have thought I was crazy."

_Still__ think yer crazy, _Berwald thought to himself as he pulled the leftover sandwich cake out of the fridge _Now I just know that yer crazy-talented in addition t' being clinically insane 'nd insanely adorable._

"Ya want lunch?"

"Yah, I'd love some. Thank ya!"

They sat at the counter to eat, since the table was covered with Tino's painting supplies. While Berwald thought it was interesting and neat to learn about Tino's artistic talent, he felt a little guilty about not knowing about it until now.

_Just thought he was a cute little insane guy with a kind heart, which he is, but there's more t' him than that. He's kind of a genius in his own way. Underestimated him, shouldn't have done that. What else don't I know about Tino?_

"How did ya decide ya were going t' become a wildlife investigator?" Berwald asked, unknowingly initiating a character-developing flashback.

Tino swallowed and set his fork down "Ah, great question!" He smiled nostalgically, not genre-savvy enough to realize he was falling into a cliché. "Ya see, it all started when I was very young…"

**Twenty years back in time…**

Dear Fake Santa,

I know you're not the real Santa, because that's me. But since you're pretending to be Santa can ya please give me a new set of lungs and make medicine taste more like sugar plums?

Thanks!

Tino

Five year old Tino put the crayon back on the bedside table, folded the piece of notebook paper up and stuffed it under his pillow. A coughing fit made him collapse back into his hospital bed. A severe viral respiratory infection during his infancy had left him sickly and fragile, and the first few years of his life Tino was constantly winding up in the hospital with his lungs infested by some opportunistic pathogen that would take weeks to clear.

A nurse wandered in and, feeling sorry for Tino, decided to switch on the hospital TV.

"_Hey kids! Are you ready to see something AWESOME?"_

Tino's head perked up as he tried to muster up the strength to look at the television. "Yah! Seeing something awesome sounds good!"

"Then get ready for this weeks episode of ANIMAL AWESOMENESS, hosted by me, Gilbert Beilschmidt and this amazing yellow bird on my head."

"The bird is amazing," Tino agreed.

"Today we'll take you to see Icelandic head puffins-_awesome_. Amnesiac polar bears – _awesome_! A guy with 10,000 war ponies – _AWESOME_!"

"This show is awesome!" young Tino exclaimed, his eyes lighting up like the giant town-square Christmas tree as he got lost in a magical world of bow-tie wearing puffins, forgetful fuzzy polar bears and prancing pink ponies.

_The animals all look so adorable! I wish I could pet them all and be their friend,_ Tino thought as he longingly looked up at the TV screen. From that day on Tino would tune in to Animal Awesomeness religiously every afternoon. As soon as Tino was well enough to go outside again his parents decided to take him to a zoo, where he unknowingly embarrassed the heck out of both of them by pretending to be Awesome Animal Gilbert and yelling out lists of facts to other visitors about the creatures in the exhibit.

"Wasn't-," Berwald suddenly asked, switching the narrative back to present time "-he th' guy that got kicked off TV because of what he said at an elementary school?"

"Yah, that was him," Tino sighed "More than that, I was AT the elementary school when he said it."

**Returning to twenty years back in time…**

"Hey, Mr. Beilschmidt!" one of the children in the assembly called from the bleachers. "Can you please tell us how you got so awesome?"

"Well OF COURSE little child! Heh heh," Awesome Animal Gilbert smirked as he pulled out a cold one out from behind the podium "Part of why I'm so AWESOME is because I drink beer. Drink beer children! BEER! If you don't you're a total loser and you'll never succeed in life. Give into my awesome peer-beer pressure children! BAH HA HA HA HA!"

**Returning to present time…**

"That sounds…traumatizing." Berwald noted.

"Yah, it kind of really was," conceded Tino "But it wasn't too bad. My parents just sat me down that night and gently explained to me that I could still be the host of a wildlife TV show, just not a naughty beer-chugging one like he was."

"…I see. So yer parents were supportive?"

"Yah very! Of course, that could've been because my only other career interests were replacing Santa or becoming a professional sniper."

Berwald nearly smiled "Sounds like ya were an interesting child. Wish 'd known ya, we could've been friends."

Tino laughed "I was such a _silly_ kid! But yah, that's how it went. I still remember how cool it was to see all those neat animals on the hospital television, and how happy it made me. So I thought, 'Wouldn't it be great to be able to show wonderful animals to other people?', so here I am! Nice right?"

Berwald nodded and factored this information in with everything else he knew about Tino "Can see why yer job means so much to ya."

"It's my life!" Tino replied with a grin "Seriously, I don't know if I could live any other way. Who knows what I'd do if I lost it? Heh, I'd probably go crazy and run around reporting on made up things instead of facing the truth."

"Hm…" Berwald noted that though Tino was severely lacking in the sanity department, he excelled in the area of self-evaluation of personal weaknesses.

"Oh no! I'm so sorry, I've just been going on and on about myself. I didn't mean to keep ya away from your work for so long."

"Hm?" Berwald glanced at the wall clock, surprised to find that so much time had passed since he sat down with Tino for lunch. "Didn't notice th' time.."

"I'm really sorry! I guess it's just I've been lonely and you're a really good listener! I hope ya don't think I'm rude."

Status upgraded from "brain eater" to "good listener".

"Good listener" = vast improvement

18 levels to go from "good listener" to "father of Tino's babies"

Outlook = Fantastic

"Yer fun to listen t'," Berwald replied as he stood up and pushed his chair in "Thanks f'r having lunch with m'."

**Good response, Berwald. Now impress him by subtly mentioning how masculine and attractive the work you're about to go do is.**

"Ya want t' have dinner with m' after I spend about six more hours building couches from wooden planks using nothing but m' bare hands 'nd a toothbrush?"

"Oh!" Tino gasped "Building couches from wooden planks using only your bare hands and a toothbrush is _so_ masculine and attractive! Of course I want to have dinner with ya!"

**Good work, Berwald. Likelihood of "sweet lovin'" tonight has increased by 17%. **

_Nh, there's somethin' really wrong with th' narrator._


	13. How to Save a Species

Tino stepped back to admire his work. He had succeeded in completely covering the walls of Berwald's hallway with skillfully painted pictures of animals.

"Perfect! If he liked it before he should really find it impressive now, yah?" A silly smile spread across Tino's face as he imagined _Berwaldo oxenstiernas's_ reaction.

_"'m so impressed with yer painting skills. Yer th' most impressive man alive..."_

_"It was nothing really! I do that all the time, ya know? Sometimes I paint with one eye closed while saving orphaned ducklings."_

_"Yer th' most attractive person ever. 'm very attracted. I want t' be the father of all yer babies."_

_"Oh, well...tee hee! Okay then!"_

Tino shook himself back to reality (kind of). "Geez Tino! What's wrong with ya? That is a completely inappropriate thought to have about the only living member of a wildlife species!"

**No it's not.**

"It's not? What do ya mean it's not? It's- OH!" Tino snapped "Of course! When ya want to preserve a species ya should set up an intensive breeding program that way ya can get its numbers back up and save it from extinction! It is perfectly appropriate for me to have as many of _Berwaldo oxenstiernas's _babies as I possibly can."

**Exactly.**

"But how do I put him in the mood to breed? Oh I know, I should try to feed him! Giving creatures food always makes them want to spawn more of themselves."

**Based on my experiences in the world of Minecraft, that is a very effective strategy.**

"I should go foraging in the forest for raspberries!" Tino decided, grabbing a basket before stepping out the door "Because if he eats what I eat then he should love that. I wonder if he trusts me enough to let me feed him by hand…"

Tino paused for a moment and stared off into space as he pondered the scenario. His face became far redder than a raspberry_. Oh my, I wonder if he'd lick my fingers clean afterwards? This is an even better idea than I thought!_

Hours later, Berwald was walking down the hallway, freshly showered, doused with cologne and ready to start cooking the most impressive dinner in the world for himself and Tino when he reached the living room and froze in his tracks.

Tino was shaping a pile of pillows into a circle-shaped nest while strategically placed scented candles bathed the room in a soft, lavender-scented glow.

"Oh, Berwald! Hi! Would this happen to be anything like your ideal ecosystem?" Tino asked as he switched on some audio of soothing ocean waves.

"Yah actually, it is. Couldn't think of any way t' make it better, t' be honest with ya."

"Really? Ah, I'm so glad! In that case, would ya care to come join me inside?"

"Sounds good."

_Something tells m' that 've moved a few levels up from "good listener"._ Berwald noted as he sat down in the pillow-nest next to Tino, who was pulling out a bowl of freshly picked raspberries and a bag of rose petals._ Not sure how, but 'm not complaining._


	14. Whatever It Takes

"And then after ya have finished exfoliating the bottom of the foot with a pumice stone, proceed to apply the first coat of clear nail polish?" Tino frowned and scratched his head "Ya know, I admit that I've never done this breeding thing before but I'm pretty sure this isn't how it's done. No Berwald-hatchlings have appeared and our clothes are still on."

"Hm."

Inside Berwald was rolling around laughing to the point of tears. Outside not even a smidgen of a smile could be found on his face. There were only two advantages Berwald had found to having limited to no ability to make facial expressions. The first was that he won every poker game he ever played. The second was the ability to remain composed in situations like this one.

"-of the-WHAT?! I could've sworn that I was reading "Endangered Species Preservation", section "_Berwaldo oxenstiernas_", not "You Too Can Own a Business", section "How to Run a Day Spa"!"

_That explains a lot._ Berwald hadn't actually been able to see anything that was going on since Tino had put cucumber slices over his eyes at the beginning of all this. _Kinda started t' wonder what exactly he was trying t' accomplish once he started doing a "skin cleansing seaweed wrap" on m' feet._

"Waah! There was never an "Endangered Species Preservation" book, section "_Berwaldo oxenstiernas_". I must be delusional!" Tino sniffled and tossed the book to the side before hanging his head in shame. "I'm sorry magnificent wildlife creature, I was trying to increase your numbers and save ya from extinction, but all I was able to do was feed ya an entire bowl of raspberries and exfoliate your pores..."

"It's 'lright," Berwald replied as he took the cucumber slices off his eyes and patted Tino on the back "Can't remember th' last time m' feet felt so silky 'nd rejuvenated."

Tino's face brightened "Well as long as it made ya happy, magnificent wildlife creature." He smiled warmly at him while reaching down and scratching the hair behind Berwald's ear. Berwald's eyes closed and his toes twitched as Tino moved the scratching up to the top of his head, pausing a moment to brush the fearsome predator's hair away from his eyes.

_This is such a gentle and sweet species_, Tino noted as he slid his hand slowly down the side of Berwald's face. The creature sighed and leaned into Tino's touch. _The more time I spend around him the more I feel that being by his side is the most safe and comfortable that I've ever felt in my life. Why is there only one of him? There needs to be more like this guy, I refuse to let my new favorite species disappear!_

"I promise that I will help ya spawn more of yourself magnificent creature! No matter how hard it is, I will keep trying until I find a way to keep ya from disappearing! And then I'll make sure to have as many Berwald-hatchlings as we possibly can."

Berwald nodded and gave him a thumbs-up.

Tino gave the fearsome predator one last scratch on the head before drawing his hand back. "Glad ya can trust me big guy." He looked up at the ceiling and stared off into nowhere as he tried to think through the situation.

_Spawning more Berwalds...hmm. Ya know I guess when it comes down to it I really just need to try and learn more about him_. Tino looked back down at the "You Too Can Own a Business" book and picked it up.

"Does this belong to ya?"

"Yah."

"What do ya have it for, if it isn't too rude for me too ask?"

"Course not. Got it for th' part about restaurants. Always wanted t' open m' own cafe. Thought it'd be fun. Could have Snowball help me serve th' customers."

"Arf!" chirped Snowball in agreement as she cheerfully wagged her tail while sitting on a nearby pillow.

"Aww..." Tino clasped his hands together and his eyes lit up "A cafe run by the two most adorable animals I know! That is so sweet! I would eat there all the time!"

Berwald's status has been upgraded to 'adorable'.

Sweet lovin' probability is increasing at an exponential rate.

Berwald = very pleased.

"So when are ya gonna open one?"

Berwald's heart sank. The severity of the emotion was so intense that it caused him to frown for an entire two seconds.

"Oh I'm sorry! Was that a bad question? I didn't mean to upset ya, please forgive me!"

"Nh," Berwald sighed "Not a bad question. Somethin' happened couple years back that…it's just not possible anymore."

"Something happened?"

"Yah. Makes m' kinda sad t' think about. 'm sorry."

"What? No, why are _ya_ sorry? I'm the one who messed up and asked ya something that made ya depressed! I'm sorry. I promise I won't ask ya any more questions about it. Okay, I lied. Could I ask ya one more little question about it?"

"I guess yah."

"Does it have anything to do with the crazy pack of horned demons I met while picking raspberries in the forest this afternoon?"

Berwald's eyes shot open "What horned demons?"

"Oh that's right! That was all mentioned back in one of the deleted drafts of last chapter. Here, let's review that bit-"

**Back in one of the deleted drafts of last chapter:**

"You're watching Wonderful Wildlife Weekly! Right behind me we have a member from a newly discovered species of red-glowing-eyed goats. Oh-!"

Tino turned around "Now there's three of them, er…five. Ten red-glowing-eyed goats. Aww…cute, they're social! And, growing…Yah that's interesting!" Tino noted as he started backing up.

"They are literally expanding in size right before me. Alright, they are now each approximately the size of a smart car…or, SUV...Okay! It seems they all have expanded to the size of a school bus and are hovering over me in a somewhat menacing manner which makes me think this might me a really great time for a commercial break. Stay with us! We'll be right back."

**Present time:**

Berwald sat up and took Tino by the shoulders. "What did they do?"

"Well see that's the thing! They looked like they were going to kill me but instead they just gave me a traffic violation ticket. The only thing is, I don't know how to take care of it because instead of a money amount there's a picture of your boss. Do ya know how much that payment would be for?"

Berwald snatched the paper away and stared at it with wide eyes.

"Were ya by a clearing when this happened?"

"Yah actually, I was, how did ya know?"

Berwald took a deep breath in and ran a hand back through his hair. His gaze snapped over to the clock.

_Still couple of hours before midnight, still time. Good thing it's Friday night 'nd m' boss doesn't make m' work weekends. 'll have enough time t' recover."_

"Hey, hey wait! What are ya doing?" Tino looked on with confusion as Berwald stood up and ran out of the living room. He pulled himself off the floor and followed him into the hallway. "I'm not angry or anything but I hope ya do realize that I still need to pay that!"

Berwald was trembling as he stood in front of the sink, a glass of water in one hand and the paper in the other._ Th' boss says it hurts worse when yer paying for someone besides yerself. Doesn't matter, it's all worth it as long as Tino doesn't have t' suffer._

That thought in mind, Berwald crumpled up the paper, stuffed it in his mouth and swallowed it. He'd had barely a sip of the water to wash it down when the cup fell from his hands and Berwald collapsed on top of the glass-covered floor.

"Berwald?" Tino pushed the bathroom door open and screamed. The only living member of his favorite species was lying facedown in a pool of blood and glass shards.

_Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ pulled his face off the floor and looked up at Tino "…it's 'lright. Th' payment has been made. Ya have nothing t' worry about."

"The payment? What did ya-? No Berwald, no!" Before Tino could move the creature fell back onto the bloody tile and became motionless. "BERWALD!"

…

**(He's not dead…just so you know. I'll try to update soon though. I hate leaving characters in scenarios like this.)**


	15. Demon Goat is GRUMPY!

"And you're back on the account of what someone else did…again. This seems to be a trend for you, Berwald."

The straw goat's words echoed off of the walls as the dreary stone dungeon came into view. The walls were covered with sharp shards of broken china and drops of boiling blood were raining from the sky.

_Listened t' too much death metal as a teenager._

"Stop joking around Berwald. I weary of this habit you have of interfering with my justice."

"Justice? How was it just t' try t' punish Tino when th' rule about th' barrier only applies t' Snowball 'nd m'?"

"The rule about the barrier applies to everyone within."

"What th' -? But he has nothin' t' do with this. Are ya just going t' trap every innocent that accidentally stumbles into yer prison?"

"I took precautions to keep others out. I shielded the perimeter with an illusion so terrifying no sane human would ever enter."

"Then how did-? Oh, _sane_ human. Yah, that would explain how Tino got in," Berwald sighed and shook his head. "Crazy guy."

"You can't do this forever Berwald. You will give in. A mere mortal like yourself cannot act as a shield for other mortals indefinitely. You are fallible. You are vulnerable. It will become too tiring, too painful. You will break."

"That's what ya think. For Snowball 'nd Tino I would endure anything."

"I know you _would_, but _can_ you? I think not."

"Can't let ya hurt them. 'll never break as long as I have those two t' protect."

The straw goat laughed. "You are a truly pathetic mortal Berwald, even as far as mortals go. I bet you think that having something to protect gives you strength, gives you a sense of purpose, enables you to keep fighting no matter how bad the odds seem. You're wrong. You've become a slave to your protective tendencies. You've lost control of your own life."

Berwald grumbled and turned away from the crazed Christmas icon. _Just ignore him. He's just trying t' make ya lose hope. That's why he has no friends, only goat sentinels that are as crazy as he is 'nd give people traffic tickets that can only be paid with crazy soul-shock torture._

"Remember Berwald," the straw goat called as it dissolved into the inferno "I'm not the one who keeps you here. Neither is Snowball, and neither is Tino. Your love for them keeps you here. You keep you here. Remember that Berwald, always remember."

**Canadian Hero: Yes, the goats are real. Yeah, I know right? Tino being employed is a delusion but the demon goats are totally part of reality. Makes ****so**** much sense. XD**

**Reviewers I absolutely love you guys. I love you other reader guys too. Next chapter we'll be returning to a happy mood for a while, so hang in there my friends!**

**Love all around!**


	16. What's on your mind?

Berwald's attention was drawn away from his monotonous mind-prison of misery when he noticed that the drops of boiling blood were becoming more and more diluted with lukewarm saltwater.

_That's interesting…_ Berwald thought as the dreary dungeon began to fade out of view_ Also, how are th' pieces of delicate china welding themselves back t'gether?_

Tino was sitting cross-legged on the bed beside Berwald, trying to clear the tears out of his eyes with one hand and holding a moist washcloth to the creature's head with another.

"I'm sorry magnificent wildlife creature. If I'd known that the traffic ticket was this dangerous I would've never let it in your sight! I'm worse than the people who leave oil spills out that kill helpless pelicans. Please forgive me!"

Tino sniffled as he placed the washcloth back into a bowl of cold water and wrung it out before returning it to Berwald's forehead. "Please come back Berwald. I promise that if ya stay alive I'll do all I can to help ya get better again! Please, please live that way I can have your babies and keep your species from going extinct."

"Not sure ya technically can, but 'm more than willing t' help ya try-"

"AIHHH!" Tino jumped back in surprise, falling off the bed and sending the bowl of water splashing all over himself. "Ha ha ha! Holy Martin Luther ya surprised me! I didn't know ya were awake! Ah but I'm so glad ya are!"

Tino hopped back up beside him and took Berwald's hand into his own "Ya have no idea how worried I was! Still am actually. Yah have a crazy high fever and there was this huge gash on your chest. I cleaned the cut out the best I could and then covered it with bandages and stuff. I'm worried though, because your fever hasn't gone down even a little! That's why I didn't put your shirt back on, by the way, because you were already too hot-NOT LIKE THAT, NOT WHAT I MEANT! I mean ya do kind of qualify as hot in terms of it being a synonym to attractive but of course when I decided to not put your shirt back on I wasn't taking that into consideration, at least not very much-"

_Adorable_. Berwald decided as he lay motionless while listening to Tino's nervous chatter. Tino's presence was the only good thing about this situation. His boss had really weird punishment ideas, so every time rule violations would occur Berwald got sliced across the chest and temporarily banished to some sort of abstract mind-hell-psychological-prison.

But the most annoying part to him was the aftereffects. Apparently the Yule Goat had taken an immunology course at one point or another, and from there he'd gotten this great idea of magically increasing the amount of interferon-gamma in Berwald's bloodstream so that the sky-high IFN levels would give him ridiculously severe flu-like symptoms. Hence the high fever Tino had noticed, plus the malaise and incapacitating fatigue that Berwald wished he could forget about. The worst of it didn't last more than a couple days, but those couple days were around-the-clock pain time.

"-ha ha ha! So yah, how are ya feeling magnificent wildlife creature?"

" 'm fine," replied Berwald, actually feeling like he'd been beaten from head to toe with 600 semi-trucks.

"I don't think I believe ya. Though since ya have barely any variance in your facial expressions it's kind of hard for me to tell whether you're being truthful or not."

_I was __**so good**__ at poker in college_. Berwald smirked internally. _If Tino and I played strip poker I could have him naked in three minutes. Nh, shouldn't think like that. It's not very gentlemanly. Have t' admit though, he's making it extremely hard t' be chaste-minded when he keeps talking about having m' babies all th' time. _

"What time is it?" Berwald asked, attempting to change the direction of his thought-train to something more wholesome.

"It's about one-thirty in the morning. Nice yah? So ya have lots more time to sleep in before I make ya breakfast."

"Nh!" Berwald suddenly sat up "Never made ya dinner. Ya must be starving, 'll get something ready."

"Oh no ya don't!" Tino caught him by the shoulders and shoved him back down onto the mattress "No Sir! Your fever is extremely high and ya should not be exerting yourself unnecessarily until it goes down. You're staying right here. Ya got it?"

" 'm just fine," Berwald insisted as he tried to get up again once Tino released the hold on his shoulders.

"Hey!" Tino caught him and locked his arms around his waist, "No, no you're not fine," his teeth clenched as he struggled to wrestle Berwald back onto the bed "Your temperature is 103 degrees Fahrenheit so you, magnificent wildlife creature, are not at all fine. Well actually ya are rather fine is we're talking about fine as a synonym of handsome and good-looking but-whoa no! No, bad Berwald! Bad, bad Berwald. Stop trying to get up. You're going to hurt yourself. Down Berwald! I told ya, to GET. BACK. DOWN."

The bed-springs creaked as Tino as last succeeded at throwing Berwald back down onto the mattresses.

"Good boy Berwald," Tino sighed as he pulled himself back up and patted the creature on the head "That's a good Berwald. Berwald stay. Very good! See, don't ya feel better staying in your nice, safe recovery bed?"

"I guess yah," Berwald replied, his fever-flushed face becoming even warmer still as Tino laid down beside him and pulled Berwald back into his arms.

"There," Tino took hold of Berwald's wrists and locked him in an inescapable backways-hug "Now ya can't escape and get yourself into more trouble. Relax yah? Just take it easy and think happy thoughts about recovering and feeling all the way better."

Here's what Berwald was actually thinking:

_Strip poker. Three minutes. Maybe two 'nd a half. Also, how is he so strong? I could probably get him off if I wasn't sick but still, he's got quite a bit of strength for his size. Or is it maybe that I don't really want t' get away? Nh, no really. I have t' feed Tino dinner. Don't want him t' try t' operate an oven on his own._

"Don't ya... need t' do your job... or something?"

"Ah, actually I'm not employed anymore. Nice right?"

Berwald's eyes widened. _Has he finally started t' come out of his delusion?_ "Yer not?"

"Nope! I quit an hour after ya collapsed from eating that crazy ticket thing that way I could take care of ya."

"Oh." _Still delusional, probably sad about 'quitting' then._ " 'm sorry, ya don't have t' do that for m'."

"Ah it's no big deal. My production team has been kind of getting on my nerves the past few months by not existing and replacing my microphone with a flashlight."

_Or maybe...only halfway delusional now? Nh, forget it. I have no idea what is going on in Tino's brain._

"Besides," Tino rested his head against Berwald's shoulder blade. "You're the most gentle and kind organism on the planet. I want to keep bad things from happening to ya as much as I possibly can. I know you're not a human and probably wouldn't understand, but I think that I'm really starting to-" he yawned before pulling the both of them even closer together "Fall in love with ya, Berwaldo oxenstiernas."

Berwald froze and a shiver ran up his spine that was completely unrelated to interferon-gamma induced chills.

"Ha ha, but that is such a silly thing for me to tell ya yah? Ah innocent wildlife creature, even if ya could understand, ya probably could never feel the same way back. I'm sorry, I won't talk to ya about silly human stuff anymore."

Berwald was so confused. _Did Tino just say he-? Nh, that can't be right. I must be hearing things, must be becoming delusional m'self. Being delusional is great. Love being delusional. Though not as much as I love this crazy little guy who wandered into m' yard one day 'nd made m' world brighter._ He closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the sensation of Tino's fragile form wrapped around him. So soft, so comfortable...so unbelievably cute...

_If this is a delusion,_ Berwald decided as he slipped away into sleep, _please let m' never become sane. Ever._

**Thank you for being patient with me, lovely readers! I'm having to rewrite the chapters for this story more than usual, but I promise I won't give up! And thanks for all the fun reviews! Peace out and love all around. : )**


	17. Everything he is

"Oh no. Berwald? BER-WALD! Where are ya magnificent wildlife creature?" Tino dashed down the hallway in a state of panic. He'd woken up to discover that the poor sickly _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ had somehow escaped from him, and was frightened out of his wits that the creature would injure itself further.

"Please come out creature! I'm really worried that ya-" Tino stopped in mid-sentence when he reached the cabin's living room.

Berwald was laying on the carpet with his head propped up on a throw pillow and watching Snowball run circles around a tennis ball. When she finally caught hold of the object, she eagerly ran over to her owner's side and placed it by his arm.

A rare smile came across Berwald's face as he, with great effort, lifted his arm up off the ground and tossed the tennis ball to the other side of the room. Tino reckoned that it probably hurt terribly for _Berwaldo oxenstiernas _to move any part of himself at all, but seeing the adoration in the creature's eyes as he watched the puppy frolic around the living room you would've hardly been able to guess.

After a few more rounds of fetch the floof of fur seemed to have finally worn herself out. She had a tired but pleased look on her face as she dragged herself over to Berwald's side and curled up next to him. Berwald winced a bit as he moved his arm over and gently set his hand on top of Snowball's head.

"Yer a good kid Snowball." She wagged her tail as Berwald softly scratched behind the small dog's ears "Best granddaughter in th' world. I love ya Snowball, 'nd yer mom 'nd sisters love ya too."

Tino's heart was squishing into play dough as he watched Snowball chirp happily in response and give Berwald a small puppy kiss on the cheek before closing her eyes and drifting peacefully off into a nap.

_If my brain was a nuclear reactor we'd have Chernobyl #2 on our hands, because that was mind-meltingly adorable_, Tino concluded. Berwald was so absorbed in gushy-mushy-grandparent-land that he didn't even notice Tino tiptoe over to the kitchen.

_I wonder..._ Tino thought as he placed a couple of bread slices in the toaster and pulled the butter out of the fridge. _He seems to have a sense of parental love similar to that of a human being...could that mean he might have the capacity to feel human-type romantic love?_

_Ah, no. No Tino, don't get your hopes up. You'll just get your heart broken if ya do. Besides, it's not fair to that innocent animal to expect things like that out of him. Ya just need to appreciate him for all the wonderful things that he is instead of obsessing and fantasizing about the things that he isn't._

"Nh! Tino, don't use th' oven! You'll hurt yerself."

A crashing sound behind him turned Tino's attention to the dining area. _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ had toppled over the table and was trying to push himself out from under a fallen kitchen chair.

"Creature!" Tino cried as he ran over to Berwald's side and pulled the fallen furniture off of him "Creature, what are ya doing? Ya know ya shouldn't be trying to move around so much when you're sick like this."

"Ya…shouldn't use…dangerous things…"

"Okay Buddy. I won't use dangerous things. Now come on," Tino grabbed the back of Berwald's shirt and dragged him across the floor into the living room. "Ya can't be worrying about me, ya need to focus on getting well again."

"Nh, th' oven…too dangerous for ya, ya might burn yerself…" Berwald mumbled "Eat something cold or use th' microwave…but don't put metal in th' microwave…Also, stay away from anything sharper than a butter knife."

Tino tried not to smile as he placed Berwald back on the living room couch. _Silly creature. Though, I have to admit the protective instinct is rather sweet._

" 'm serious Tino. Don't want ya t' get hurt."

Tino knelt by the side of the couch and put a hand on Berwald's forehead "It's alright Berwald. I'm not using the oven, just the toaster, okay?"

"Mmm…" Berwald grumbled "I guess yah. Just be safe."

"I will, I promise ya," Tino smoothed the creature's hair back "Ya still have a bit of a fever. Let me get ya a cloth for your head."

"Ya don't have t' do-nh…" Berwald sighed as he watched Tino walk back into the kitchen. This wasn't right. Tino shouldn't have to take care of him; he should be taking care of Tino!

_Rrghh…frustrating…_

"Here ya go," Tino returned and placed the cold cloth on Berwald's forehead. "Does that feel better?"

"Mm. Thank ya."

"Is there anything else ya need? I was going to make ya some toast…"

Berwald shook his head "Nh. 'm 'lright. Don't trouble yerself."

"Trouble myself? Berwald, ya took me in from the freezing rain and have been taking care of me ever since. You're sick now because ya paid the evil traffic ticket for me. Why would ya think it would be trouble for me to take care of ya when you're sick?"

Hints of blush blossomed on Berwald's already feverish face "Because…because 'm supposed t' take care of ya. It's what 'm supposed t' do."

_Supposed to?_ _Interesting…What possible survival benefit could there be from protecting me? Then again, he protects Snowball, and she seems to serve no obvious survival benefit either…_

"Arf!" Snowball chirped from the floor below, as if she seemed to know that Tino was thinking about her. He turned and smiled at her before lifting her into his arms.

"How about your adopted grandchild? Will ya let me bring ya that?" Tino asked as he set the puppy down on the couch beside her owner.

Berwald opened his eyes and smiled for the shortest of moments as he put an arm around the small dog and pulled her close to his side. "Hm. H'llo Snowball…"

The creature closed his eyes again and fell silent. Tino found himself unable to draw his gaze away from the scene.

_So cute…big, strong Berwaldo oxenstiernas and small, fluffy Snowball._ Tino sighed dreamily as he stood up and walked back to the kitchen._ He's more like a faithful guard dog than a wild wolf. _

Tino took the bread out of the toaster and opened the tub of butter. He pulled a butter knife out of the silverware drawer as he started to hum absentmindedly to himself.

…_faithful guard dog…_

Tino gasped and dropped the knife as his eyes widened with realization.

_Wait, Berwald is…but…but Berwald is actually a-_

"HOLY MARTIN LUTHER! What have I been thinking?!"

Tino clasped his hands to his mouth as his face stained scarlet with embarrassment.

_How…how could I not realize this?_


	18. Please be mine

_**That evening…**_

"Is-is it okay if I sit with ya?"

Berwald looked up from the couch to see Tino standing shakily to the side, eyes averted and looking paler by the second.

_What's wrong with him?_

"Course."

Tino's gaze remained fixated on the floor as he sat beside him. His hands were trembling as he clasped them together before letting out a shaky sigh.

"Ya okay?"

Tino jumped "Oh, ha ha ha! Yah, yah I'm just fine. How about ya? Do ya feel better than ya did this morning?"

"Mm," Berwald nodded. He still didn't like that Tino had to take care of him, but he did feel considerably better. His fever was nearly non-existent now and the malaise was significantly less severe. "Recovering a lot faster than normal. Thank ya Tino. Ya sure yer okay though? Ya look pale 'nd yer shaking."

"Oh yah! I'm definitely okay. I just," Tino wrung his hands together nervously and turned away "Ah, well...it's kind of like this, Berwald. I, I have an apology to make."

"Hm? For what? Ya never did m' any wrong."

"Oh, but, but I did. I...well..." Tino sighed. "I'm sorry creature. I just came to realize today that my perspective of reality has been extremely warped, and it has caused me to have a perspective of ya that is just really unacceptable."

Berwald's heart started pounding. _Oh m' god. Has he finally found out what I think he has?_

"Judging ya to be a fearsome beast was really wrong. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize, you're not really a wild animal at all."

_Has he realized 'm a human? Oh no. Th' return t' sanity is good but what if becoming sane so suddenly causes him t' be depressed? How would I help him through clinical depression?_

"But now, now I know what ya really are."

"Umm," Berwald was becoming very nervous about all this very quickly "Ya do?"

Tino nodded, still too embarrassed to look at him, "Yah, it took me a while, but I finally realize now that you're actually a pet. A very sweet pet, and that there's really nothing fearsome at all about ya."

_..._

…"_pet"?..._

_..._

_HUAH?!_

"A pet I'd like to be mine, actually..." Tino's face turned from a frightened pale to the same glowing red as the embers in the fireplace as he took one of Berwald's hands and held it in his own. "I...Berwald, would ya… would ya be okay with me adopting ya as my pet and companion?"

_?_

"Ya…want m' t' be….yer…pet…?" Berwald asked for clarification.

"Umm…" Tino's courage seemed to be sliding away as he trembled under Berwald's stare. "I mean, yah…but, but only if ya want to be!"

"Hm," Berwald's brow furrowed "Hold on, have t' process this." He closed his eyes and entered calculation mode.

Status change pending: Next level: …pet?

"Pet" was not registered as one of the intermediates between "good listener" and "Father of Tino's babies"

Berwald = confused.

Analyzing situation…

If Berwald = Tino's pet

Then

Tino = Berwald's master

However

Berwald = human

Human with a master = slave

Therefore,

Berwald = Tino's pet = Tino's slave

But slave for what?

Purpose of pet = love, companionship and affection

Therefore,

Berwald = Tino's pet = Tino's love slave

_Hm. M' goodness…_ Berwald's pulse accelerated and his face started blinking red like a scarlet strobe light as he pondered what exactly Tino's intentions toward him could possibly be. He opened his eyes again and looked over to Tino.

_Daww… look at th't face. Th' huge eyes 'nd everything… He even looks sweet 'nd innocent when he's trying t' bring m' into bondage. So cute…_

…'_lright 'll do it._

"Yah, ya can have m' as a pet," Berwald decided. Tino had already captured his heart long before this point, why not let the former wildlife investigator have the rest of him too? Made sense.

"Oh, oh really?" The terror on Tino's face melted into glee "Ah! I'm so glad!" He beamed and threw his arms around Berwald's waist. "I have a pet Berwald now!"

"Yah," Berwald's face was growing warmer by the second as he folded his arms across Tino's back and rested his head on the smaller man's shoulder " 'm yers Tino, for however long ya want m'."

"I will always want ya Berwald," Tino sighed as he reached up and softly stroked the back of Berwald's head "You're just so sweet and snuggly! I feel like I could just hold ya like this for the rest of my life, ya know?"

"Hm..." He felt farther and farther from reality with every word, like he was turning into cloudy vapor and then drifting into a dream world, which felt fantastic, especially to a man whose life was often literally a living nightmare. "Then I guess 'm forever yers."

"Oh Berwald!" Tino held him all the tighter "Ah, ya have no idea how happy that makes me to hear. After the time I've spent with ya I just don't think I could ever imagine living apart!"

_That's good, because unless I find a way t' overthrow m' employer yer stuck in this prison just like I am. Actually now that I think about it, that's __really__ not good. As much fun as ya are with all yer craziness ya really do need t' see a mental health professional for yer own well-being._ A frown flickered on Berwald's lips. _Hm, this is actually a really serious problem. How am I going t'-?_

"Ah, that reminds me!" Tino let go of Berwald and stood up from the couch "I made something for ya! Hold on, I'll go get it,"

_...Made something? Like what, custom-fitting handcuffs?_

"Here it is!" Tino smiled as he returned to the living room couch "Now that you're my pet, it only makes sense that ya should have one."

_Ah,_ Berwald nodded when he saw that Tino had a large, leather collar in his hands, complete with a heart-shaped name tag and everything. _M' guess with th' handcuffs was pretty close-whoa! He was serious!_

Berwald's eyes widened as Tino unbuckled the collar, placed it around Berwald's neck and then buckled it again. "There ya go," Tino smiled as he patted Berwald on the head. "Ah, it looks so handsome on ya!"

"Mm," all coherent thoughts had dissipated from Berwald's brain, leaving only the sound of sensuality-saturated-static echoing around his skull "Thank ya, Master."

"Oh!" Tino laughed "Ha ha, well ya don't have to call me 'Master'. Actually that's kind of hot…alright, changed my mind! Ya can call me Master all ya want, my pet."

_*static…*_

"Ya okay my pet? Your eyes look even more vacant than they usually do."

" 'm fine…" Berwald murmured, before shaking his head to try and snap himself out of it "Yah, 'm just fine. What would ya like m' t' do, Master?"

"I…huh? To…do?" Tino started trembling and let out a nervous giggle "Ha ha! Oh ya don't have to do anything, sweet pet. You're just…my pet, yah? I just like ya is all!"

"Like ya too," Berwald replied as he took Tino's face in his hands and looked intently into those large brown eyes "Ya sure there's nothin' ya want m' t' do for ya?"

"Uh...um..." Tino's trembling fit got worse as he shifted his legs around uncomfortably "I mean...ya don't...it's just..." Breathing became harder as he saw striking blue flames light up behind the lens of Berwald's glasses "It's just, that it's such a silly thing..." His voice had fizzled down to a whisper by the end of the sentence.

"Nh, no request m' master makes is silly. Master, what is it ya want m' t' do?"

"I..." Tino tried to swallow down overwhelming nervousness as Berwald combed his fingers gently through his master's hair.

_Why can't I communicate telepathically to him what I want? Why do I have to actually say it? I feel so ridiculous! But I shouldn't yah? I mean, he is my pet and he did just tell me he would do whatever I wanted him to. So the only possible honest way for me to answer would be for me to say-_

"I, I want-" Tino's vision blurred from overwhelming desire as he whispered "I want ya to kiss me…"

"Mm." Berwald nodded before starting to pull their faces closer " 'lright then…"

**Hey Reader dudes! Thank you for waiting patiently and being supportive, you guys rock the socks! I'll try my best to get these done in a timely manner. Peace out and love all around!**


	19. Storybooks and Smooches

_We're sorry, the Tino-thought-server you are trying to reach is presently offline. Please try again later when Tino is not first-basing it with his hot Swedish snuggle-pet. Thank you. Goodbye._

…

_*Ring Ring*_

_The Tino-thought-server is __still__ offline. For fun facts about chinchillas, press one. For information on how to make a Molotov cocktail, press two. For the Christmas countdown clock, press three. For an overly-detailed description of the make-out session Tino is having with his hot Swedish snuggle-pet, press four. For a-_

_*4*_

Tino was panting when their mouths finally came apart. He sighed and fell back onto the couch, shell-shocked, it seemed, from the sky-high level of pleasure that came from it all.

"Nh! Tino!" Berwald caught him and pulled the smaller man back into his arms "Master, are ya okay?"

"Oh, I am quite okay, my sweet pet," Tino's eyes were full of stars and a love-struck, silly smile on his face. "In fact, I'd have to say this is probably the best I've ever felt!"

_Cute…_

"Well, as long as yer 'lright…"

"Aw, you're such a huge sweetheart!" Tino beamed as he reached up and scratched Berwald on the head "You're just the sweetest, most thoughtful and gentle pet in the whole world. So sweet, my sweet pet Berwald…"

Berwald's toes twitched as Tino nuzzled the base of his neck and then rested his head on the taller man's shoulder. He sighed dreamily as he started absentmindedly tracing circles across Berwald's bare chest with his index finger.

"You're kind of like a figurative chocolate-covered ice cream cone," Tino noted "With a tough, crunchy exterior of sexy muscle covering a squishy, soft interior of sweetness."

Berwald smirked internally. _Yer free t' lick this ice cream cone all ya want, Master. _He flinched and shook his head_. Why is it 'm thinking like this? Need t' stop talking t' the narrator, he's a bad influence on m'._

**Wha-WHAT? What do you mean "bad influence"? Because of my "influence" you've been conveniently placed in a remote cabin with an adorable Finnish man who wants your body like nobody's business! Where have I done you wrong Brother?**

_Nh, good point. Guess th' narrator is a pretty good guy._

**Yeah that's right ****SUCKAH****! Don't **_**make **_**me summon more demon goats up in here!**

_To summon MORE demon goats up in here, press seven. To see more SuFin action, press eight. To speak to a customer service representative, please press-_

_*8*_

While the narrative was paused at the phone's option menu, Tino had decided to help himself to seconds of the "Berwald-Sweet-Crunchy-Cone-of-Cuddliness". As the kiss grew deeper Tino slid himself on top of Berwald's lap, pressing their torsos as close together as he possibly could. Their legs intertwined and Tino's eyes shot open with surprise.

_HOLY MARTIN LUTHER! Is he keeping an industrial-sized screwdriver under those blue jeans? Sweet Christmas Season! Maybe there's more there's more than one good reason I quit my job as the host of "Wonderful Wildlife Weekly". While it is wild and certainly wonderful, it would probably not be very "family show appropriate" to mention that Berwaldo oxenstiernas has unusually large measurements in the-_

"Arf!"

"AIHHH!" Tino jumped and spun around, quickly becoming embarrassed as he saw Snowball sitting in the middle of the room, looking up at them with her head turned to the side.

"Arf?"

"AH HA HA HA! Hi Snowball, Sweetie...yah, your grandfather and I were just...ah, well..."

"Nh, it's 'lright," Berwald sat up "She just wants t' be read a bedtime story."

"Arf arf!" Snowball chirped to the affirmative as she picked up a small picture book off the floor and ran around in circles while carrying it in her mouth.

"Oh, AWW!" The mood had gone from hot and heavy to uncomfortable and awkward to fuzzy and bubbly all in under a minute. "That's so cute!" He slid off of Berwald's lap and beamed down at the excited puppy "Do ya read her a bedtime story every night?"

"Just about," Berwald replied as he reached out and pulled his adopted puppy granddaughter onto the couch beside them. "_Millions of Cats_," he noted as he gently took the book from her "Good choice Snowball."

"Oh I LOVE that book! I have always wanted to journey to a magical hillside that was completely covered with fuzzy kittens…"

"Ya want t' read it t' us? Ya have th' perky TV show host voice for it, after all."

Tino giggled "Ah, you're too kind. Sure, I'll read it to my two favorite creatures on the planet!"

The three of them settled into the end of the couch. Berwald had one arm around Tino's shoulders and the other arm around Snowball, who cheerfully wagged her tail as Tino opened the book and started to read.

"Once upon a time there was a very old man and a very old woman. They lived in a nice

clean house with flowers all around it, except where the door was…"

For those of you who haven't read _Millions of Cats_ by Wanda Gag, you should, because it's freaking precious. Here's a plot summary: The old couple was lonely and the old lady wanted a cat. So the old man went and found a hill that was covered with "hundreds of cats, thousands of cats, millions and billions and trillions of cats". While looking for the prettiest cat, he decides that they're all too pretty and takes every single one of them home.

When he gets back the old lady points out that they could never feed so many cats, so the old man yells out and asks them all which of them is the prettiest. This starts a cat-fight that results in all the cats eating each other up…

…except one.

One pathetic-looking kitty survives because it didn't think it was the prettiest, so the other cats leave it alone. The old couple brings it in and takes care of it, and it turns out that the little kitten cleans up rather nicely.

" 'It's a very pretty cat, after all!' said the very old woman.

'Yah, it's the most beautiful cat in the whole world!' said the very old man. 'I should know, because I've seen hundreds of cats, thousands of cats, millions and billions and trillions of cats - and not one was as pretty as this one.' "

Tino's heart glowed as he gently closed the book. He looked up to see that Snowball and his pet Berwald had both drifted soundly to sleep while he was reading to them.

_Aww…too cute! _Tino smiled as he curled up closer to Berwald's muscular form and put a hand over one of Snowball's tiny paws. _I really am a lucky guy! I used to think that my job as a nature show host meant the world to me, but compared to the warmth I feel being part of this sweet little family, it's nothing._

Tino closed his eyes and rested his head on Berwald's chest. _You're the most wonderful wildlife on the whole planet. And I would know, yah? Because I've seen lots of wildlife, tons of wildlife, bunches and bunches and bunches of wildlife! And all of it put together isn't nearly as amazing as ya are._

"I love ya, Berwald," Tino whispered as two tears rolled down his face. The first, a tear of joy at having found true love. The second, a tear of sadness, because _Berwaldo oxenstiernas_ was part of a different species and could probably never return the feeling even if he wanted to.

"Love ya too, Master."

Tino's eyes shot open. Berwald's eyes were closed and there didn't seem to be any indications that he'd awoken, even momentarily.

_Yah, I thought that was just me hearing things._ Tino closed his eyes again. _A magnificent creature like him falling in love with a silly little human like me, that's crazy-thinking! Ya would think I was suffering from delusions or something…_

…

_To attempt to try and smack Tino back to sanity using a bean bag chair, please press pound._

_*##############!*_


	20. Come home with me!

"Nh, that should do it," Berwald sighed as he nailed the last wooden plank over the hole in the fourth wall.

Last night a legion of bean bag chairs **(Who knew I had so many violent reviewers? Or was the pound key just broken on your keyboards? Perhaps I'll never know...)** had come crashing through and started smacking Tino upside the head. Just as Berwald had torn apart the last offending piece of bean bag furniture with his teeth, a notice from a "group of doctors in the North Pole" threatening to take Tino away appeared on the living room floor.

He was all for Tino receiving medical care, but apparently these "North Pole doctors" didn't believe in the existence of demon Yule Goats, meaning they were likely fraud-Santas who you could rent at a mall for $9.50 an hour. So that's when he decided that the fourth wall should DEFINITLY remain closed.

Berwald set the hammer down on the fireplace mantle and stretched out onto the large rug on the living room floor. His fever was gone today and his muscles were a lot less sore, but he felt really, _really_ weak and fatigued. He'd only had a smidgen of strength left after fighting the berserker bean-bag-chairs, and he'd used every bit of it to repair the fourth wall.

He closed his eyes and hoped that his master would be able to keep himself out of danger today, because Berwald didn't have the energy to try and stop Tino if he found a way to get into trouble.

"_Oh the demon goats outside are frightful_

_But my Berwald is so delightful_

_Just looking at him makes my heart glow_

_And he's sweeter than cookie dough."_

Berwald smiled and shook his head as he listened to Tino skip down the hallway singing. _Too cute…_ It seemed Once Tino had nothing to be nervous about his default mode was to be perpetually cheerful.

"Hey Handsome Fellow! Aw, are ya feeling tired? Ya know ya really shouldn't be trying to repair things when you're still recovering from being sick and stuff," Tino set the laundry basket that he'd been carrying down on the couch and knelt down by Berwald's side. "What were ya fixing anyways?"

"Th' fourth wall."

"What fourth wall?"

" Exactly," Berwald nodded "That's exactly th' right response."

"Aww...poor tired pet Berwald isn't making any sense," Tino looked at him sympathetically as he gently brushed Berwald's hair back away from his face "Poor guy. Here, let me get ya a pillow-"

"Nh, you'll do fine," Berwald remarked as he reached up and pulled Tino back down beside him.

"Wha-hey!" Tino laughed as Berwald wrapped himself around his master and buried his face in Tino's hair "Ya are just a huge snuggle-beast, that's what ya are! Ya are a very, very silly snuggle-pet, Mr. Berwald."

"Hm. 'nd yer..." Berwald yawned and held Tino closer "Yer..a pillow..."

"Oh yah? Well, hmm..." a pleasant warmth spread through Tino's insides as Berwald nuzzled the top of Tino's head before leaning over and kissing him on the cheek "Hee hee! Yah, I guess being a pillow is fine."

Berwald patted Tino on the head "That's right, _good_ pillow..."

"Yah, I'm a good pillow-HEY! Hey wait, what am I saying? I'm the master here! Bad Berwald! Bad, BAD Berwald. Oh! Although that does remind me…"

Tino slid himself out of Berwald's embrace and stood up before sprinting down the hall. Berwald raised an eyebrow as he pondered what on earth Tino was retrieving.

_Some 'disciplinary' device I expect? Hm, kinda kinky… Suppose 'll have t' 'misbehave' more often 'nd start payin' th' narrator for making m' life that much more hot._

**BUAH HA HA HA! You'll be payin' with your body ****suckah****!**

_That's fine, as long as Tino is th' one collecting th' payments._

"Okay, I'm back!" Tino reappeared with a smile on his face and a leash in his hands.

Berwald's eyes widened. _Purr…_

"Look like ya already know what this is for, don't ya?"

"Have a general idea…" _Take it this is part 2 of th' 'Berwaldo oxenstiernas preservation program'"._

"We go for walks with this!"

_If that's what ya want t' call it._

"But we won't today, not when you're this tired," Tino set the leash up on the fireplace mantle before kneeling back down by Berwald's side.

"Well if ya wanted t' I could probably still…"

Tino shook his head "No pet. Ya need to rest your feet. I think walking around would just make ya feel more sore and tired yah?"

_Wait, I think he does mean an actual 'walk'. 'lright, now 'm really confused._

"What do ya want t' take m' on a walk for?"

"So I can have ya leash-trained when I take ya and Snowball back to civilization with me!" Tino smiled and patted Berwald on the chest. "I'll buy a nice home in the suburbs and all three of us can live together-pet? Berwald? Berwald, why do ya look sad?"

Berwald sighed as he slowly sat up on the floor, not able to look Tino in the eyes.

"Berwald?"

" 'm…'m sorry Master, I, I can't."

Tino wore a puzzled frown "Ya can't what?"

"Can't come home with ya."

"Oh don't worry," Tino's face brightened "Wherever we live will allow pets, I'll be sure of it!"

Berwald shook his head. "That's…not it. Master, 'm…'m trapped here…" There was a long pause where Tino almost thought he saw Berwald blink back tears.

"…forever…"

**Readers and reviewers! You guys are awesome. Reading the reviews makes me smile and feel all bubbly-like inside. Thanks for being patient with me as I work to get these chapters up. Be ready for some explanation and backstory next episode! Peace out and love all around. : )**


	21. Once Upon A December part 1

Years ago in Sweden, people started constructing huge straw statues of the Yule Goat in celebration of the holiday season. Almost as soon as that began, other people started burning these huge straw statues down in celebration of the fact that it can be extremely fun to light things on fire.

One of the many strategies that was tried in order to prevent the torching of giant Christmas icons was to have the statues guarded by a group of volunteers. Berwald Oxenstierna, a college senior majoring in Nutrition and Dietetics, was volunteering for such an effort on one snowy night when the statue they were guarding exploded into an enormous fireball.

"Hm?" Berwald stood blinking at the eruption of flames while the rest of the force ran around in circles while squealing. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadow scurrying away from the scene across the snow.

"Nh, no ya don't." Berwald took off and chased the mysterious form across the field, through the town and then finally cornered it in an alleyway. As he stepped through the shadows and finally got a look at the arsonist up close, Berwald's jaw plummeted down past the asthenosphere.

"A puppy?"

"Arf!" the small white dog squeaked nervously as she tried to shove the box of matches under the snow while looking up at Berwald with sad, lonely, terrified eyes. She started crying when she saw the tall, towering Berwald starting to step closer. His menacing, pitiless stare seemed to bore holes through her small fluffy soul. She whimpered and closed her eyes, curling into the smallest ball that she could and waiting for the end.

"Sh, it's 'lright. Don't cry little one."

She opened her eyes to find the tall figure kneeling down in the snow with his arms outstretched and a small smile on his face.

"Let's go home, m' child."

Her nervousness evaporated as she jumped up into his arms, wagging her tail and covering his face with puppy kisses of gratitude as he wrapped his coat around her as he tried to think of a way to get the small dog back to his apartment without the authorities finding out about her.

The leader of the volunteer guard force ran his fingers through his hair and sighed as he supervised the other members while they put the fire out. How the heck had the arsonist gotten past them?

He saw Berwald Oxenstierna approaching through the snow.

"Did ya find the suspect?"

"Yah, it was a…box of donuts…" Berwald explained wrapped his arms around his stomach.

"A box of donuts lit the Yule Goat on fire?"

"Yah, that's why I ate it. Not feelin' m' best," he scrunched up his face. "Kinda bloated actually."

"Is that why ya look like ya have a beer belly?"

"Yah."

"Arf!"

"Hckrughhmhm!" Berwald coughed as he clutched his stomach "Yah, it's making m' cough… 'nd stuff. If ya don't mind 'm going t' go home 'nd *ARF!* *COUGH COUGH COUGH* sleep it off…"

"Yah, go ahead," the guard waved him away "It's not like there's a statue left to guard or anything."

Once he'd walked out of sight, Berwald unbuttoned his coat and let his newly adopted fluffy daughter climb up into his arms.

"Yer th' cutest box of donuts 've ever seen."

"Arf!" she smiled up at Berwald as he carried the little creature away from a life of crime and fear and into a world of warmth and safety.

"Whoa whoa wait!" Tino interrupted, switching the narrative back to present time. "Ya mean the one who burned it down was SNOWBALL?"

Berwald shook his head "No, that wasn't her. That was her mother, Snowstorm."

"Whew," Tino sighed with relief "Ya nearly gave me a heart attack! I thought that didn't sound very much like Snowball-wait, did ya say "mother"?"

"Yah," Berwald confirmed "When I found Snowstorm she was having trouble with a lot of things. She was homeless, addicted t' catnip...and pregnant."


	22. Once Upon A December part 2

"What happened to the father? Did he...die?"

"Th' father..." Berwald's eyes narrowed as he cracked his knuckles and growled "Is a very lucky dog if he's dead, because any death would be better than th' one I've planned for him."

Tino's eyes widened. "Ber-Berwald! Why would ya make a threat like that about a puppy dog?"

"Hm?" Berwald turned and saw the terror on Tino's face. His hands fell back by his side.

"Sorry Master. Just upset about what he did t' m' daughter. Th' tramp ran off when he found out that she was carrying his puppies, th' scummy weasel. That's why she took th' job t' burn down th' goat in th' first place. Trying t' earn money t' support her unborn puppies, though she was little more than a puppy herself."

"Ah..." Tino looked down at the carpet, as if staring at the floor hard enough might somehow magically make the sad story he was hearing evaporate into fiction "But, then, where is Snowst-?"

Tino covered his mouth mid-sentence and turned Soviet Union red. "I'm, I'm sorry Berwald. I, I didn't...I..."

Berwald shook his head "It's 'lright," he sighed "I may have gotten her away from th' authorities that night. But I had this dark feeling inside of m', like something was following us away from th' scene, something evil..."

Sadly Berwald's feelings were all too accurate.

The first few days of having Snowstorm at home were...eventful, seeing as she was dealing with both pregnancy issues and catnip withdrawals. While she liked Berwald too much to do more than growl at him, even when she was at her angriest, she did bite his roommate Matthias a few times before the effects of withdrawals faded away. Of course her animosity towards his roommate only made Berwald love Snowstorm even more.

"Good girl Snowstorm," Berwald patted the small white dog on the head as his roommate ran out of the apartment screaming and clutching his arm "Papa's _so proud_."

After the catnip drama faded things were pretty peaceful for the two of them. The small dog would contently curl up at Berwald's side while he studied and filled out applications to business school.

"That'll be th' last bit of school I need," he would tell her as they sat together on the apartment's threadbare couch "Then, using th' money 've saved up from m' carpentry job, I can open m' own cafe. Ya, m' and yer puppies can all run it together. It'll be a family business."

"Arf!" she would reply as she wagged her tail and beamed up at him. The troublesome circumstances that brought the two of them together stood in sharp contrast with the bright future they'd planned for themselves.

Until...that one night...

About two weeks before her due date, Snowstorm came down with a terrible fever and body-wracking tremors. Berwald tried to tend to her, but as the hours went on things got worse and worse. A rash started to develop on her stomach. As the rash darkened and the edges became more defined, it seemed like the sore was taking on some sort of shape. When it progressed far enough for Berwald to tell what the shape was he nearly fainted.

It was the silhouette of the Yule Goat statue.

Panicked, Berwald ran Snowstorm over to the animal clinic. The dog's condition deteriorated further and, to make matters worse, she went into early labor. Berwald had never felt more weak and helpless than he did as he paced across the waiting room.

Outside it probably should have been dark and stormy, but instead it was unnaturally clear. The shimmering stars gleamed like daggers and the bright moonbeams burned through the window like a floodlight in an interrogation room. There were no merciful shadows to hide them from fate like there had been the snowy night that Snowstorm and Berwald met. The past had finally caught up to them this time.

The somber look on the vet's face when she opened the door was a report in itself.

"Are they all gone?"

The vet shook her head "One of the three puppies survived."

"Th' mother?"

The vet bit her lip and opened the door further "You'd-...you'd probably better see her, before..."

No further words were needed. Berwald walked past the doorway and up to the examination table, where his adopted fluffy daughter clung to life by a perpetually thinning thread string.

" 'm so sorry," he whispered as he put a hand on her head and gently combed her fur "Couldn't save ya, 'm sorry..."

There was no condemnation in the small dog's gaze as she looked back at her father, only gratitude and adoration.

_I love you Daddy._

"I love ya too, Snowstorm," And that's when strong, stone-faced Berwald completely lost it. The intimidating, muscular mountain of a man broke down and wept so hard that his hands shook. He laid his head down onto the examination table and only cried harder when Snowstorm tried to lick the tears off of his face.

"Love ya so much. Please forgive m'... 'm so sorry Snowstorm. 'm so, so sorry."

The tears were still falling as one of the nurse brought over the one puppy in the litter that lived. Berwald took the palm-sized bundle into his hands and brought it close enough for Snowstorm to see.

"Yer daughter Snowstorm...she's beautiful yah?"

"Arf!" the small dog agreed as she strained to lift her face up and lick the newborn puppy on the head.

" 'll protect her with m' life, I swear t' ya Snowstorm..."

Snowstorm wagged her tail once more before her eyes closed for the very last time.

If the newborn puppy hadn't needed to be fed it is certain that Berwald would've stayed by the examination table all night, weeping over the little dog's body. But not even his own grief could stop Berwald from keeping his promise. Until dawn Berwald sat on the apartment couch, the same couch where Snowstorm would sit by him while he studied, holding his newborn adopted granddaughter in his hands and repeating the same phrase over and over again.

"Snowball, yer so loved..."

…**Sorry if this was cheesy and bad and ridiculous. I'm not going to lie, I was freaking crying, typing while tears were running down my face and junk like that when I was writing this. Gah, the parent-child feels-button is one of my weak points. **

**Sorry dudes. Hopefully the next chapter will be better. I'm going to go hug my Labrador retriever and cry some more. Whatever, I'm a f(reproducing) sap, I get it. Love all around, and apologies…**


	23. Once Upon A December part 3

_**Approximately five months after Snowball's birth…**_

"…are you serious, mortal one?"

"Don't ya know that owners are held responsible for th' actions of their dogs? Ya say ya want justice, th' only just thing would be t' punish m' 'nd release th' souls of m' family."

The Yule Goat sighed as it stared at the injured human, lying in a pool of his own blood and still trying to shield his granddaughter from the goat's sight.

"Mortal one, you have but one soul. Justice requires that I take four, the one who set my child ablaze, and all three of her children."

(It turns out that the giant Christmas statues were actually the Yule Goat's children, and he got more than a little angry at anybody who burned one down.)

"Then 'll work for ya until I raise enough money for ya t' build three more giant statue…things. 'nd then th' scale will be balanced, 'nd taking m' soul will be enough then."

"You would work for me? But you have labeled me your enemy. Why would you serve the one who your heart burns to destroy?"

"Nh, don't care that much t' kill ya. Just want m' family t' be safe 'nd happy. That's what matters."

"You will throw your life away to save your family?"

"M' family is m' life."

"Once you have paid for the first three souls through work, when you sacrifice your soul to pay for the final one, you do realize that you will **never** see any of them again, right?"

"Yah. Doesn't matter as much as them being safe."

"Ah…but there is a part of you that does not think that way. A part of you that cringes at the thought of eternal torture, regardless of why that torture is being endured. A part of you that can not help but take a glance over your shoulder at the bright life you're throwing away…"

Berwald shrugged "Yah. 'm human, can't help that I have feelings like that. But I can choose t' not let them control m' actions."

"You think that you are a good enough soul to keep that part of yourself from controlling your actions for three hundred years? Three hundred years at which the end you know there will be an eternity of torment? Do you suppose yourself to be a saint, Berwald Oxenstierna?"

"Never said I was good. Just have t' protect m' family, so I will. 'll do whatever it takes."

The goat laughed "You expect the virtuous nature of your goal to compensate for the weaknesses in your pathetic mortal character? Alright Berwald, I will grant you the opportunity to test that theory..."

Berwald stared vacantly at the goat. "Yer going t' say something now that'll make th' conditions seem even more difficult."

"Nicely anticipated. Here's what I have to say: You can leave the arrangement at any time. Should you choose to give up, you will walk away unscathed. You can get your life back, and justice will be administered to those who it was first intended instead of to yourself."

"I would never do that."

"Berwald, you are human, _part of you would_. Part of you is selfish and cowardly. This task will require complete commitment every waking moment in order to be fulfilled. You are not complete, you are not pure. You will break."

"Having that weakness doesn't mean 'm going t' break. 'm determined t' face anything t' keep m' family safe, even that part of m'self. Th' selfish part of m' is not as strong as m' love for m' family is."

The Yule Goat laughed. "You are impure, flawed and naive. So be it Berwald, let's see just how strong you can really be..."

**Back to present time:**

Tino cradled his exhausted pet in his arms until Berwald's sobs faded into silent weeping. Tino used the end of his shirt sleeve to clear the tears away from Berwald's face before leaning down and whispering softly into his ear.

"Ya have done so, so well, Sweet Pet. If your goal in life is to care for and protect those ya love, then ya have succeeded. Ya deserve to have someone protect and care for you."

Berwald didn't respond, didn't even turn to look at Tino.

"I know ya don't believe me when I say that," Tino sighed "But it's still true."

He gave Berwald a gentle kiss on the cheek before carefully laying the large creature back down on the sofa and covering him with a fluffy blanket.

"Rest, Sweet Pet. That's an order." Tino lifted Snowball off the ground and placed the small dog by her grandfather's side "Snowball will make sure that ya obey, won't ya Snowball?"

"Arf arf!"

There was again no response from Berwald, Tino hadn't really expected any. His pet obviously had some kind of self esteem complex that made him feel like he had to save everybody in the world all on his own otherwise he was a complete failure. It was definitely a serious problem, but it was a problem that Tino would wait to solve until later.

First he had to free Berwald from that evil f(reproducing) Yule Goat. This decided, Tino walked into the kitchen closet, retrieved two items that the narrator can not reveal because the Yule Goat is hovering over his computer like a f(reproducing) cheapskate and then started towards the workshop where the entrance to the Yule Goat's lair lay.

"He will fail," the Yule Goat informed the narrator as he watched Tino lower himself through the trapdoor. "My lair has been specifically designed so that any mortal who enters will be devoured by insanity."

**Uh, dude. If you had been paying any kind of attention you would've realize by now that TINO IS ALREADY INSANE.**

"Oh..." the Yule Goat paused to process this. His red glowing eyes filled with terror. "Oh no. Oh...oh f(reproduce)!"

**Yeah Buddy, you better be scared. I would be feeling really scared if I was you right now. NOW STOP HOVERING OVER MY KEYBOARD! : PPPPP**


	24. Goat Handling 101

**Valued Readers and Reviewers:**

**Thanks for all the support and encouragement you've given me, even when the chapters have been a little slow in coming and/or sappy and melodramatic. Welcome to the turnaround point! Have I not told you all before that I write no unhappy endings? Peace out and love all around!**

The first thing about the Yule Goat's underground lair that surprised Tino was that, while the first few yards of the hallway were pitch-black, the rest of the labyrinth was illuminated with near-blinding white light.

"Geez!" Tino exclaimed as he clasped his hands over his watering eyes "Does Joulupukki have no pupils? Oh wait, what am I even asking? Of course it has no pupils, it's a magical creature made out of straw or something. Silly question on my part, yah?"

He slid his backpack off his shoulders and held it over his head in order to shield his eyes from the angry bright glare of the ceiling lights. Tino continued forward through the long, white, featureless hallway until the monotony was broken by the sound of clicking hooves.

"Reindeer?" Tino looked forward excitedly "Oh, nope. Just the pack of red-eyed goats that I met in the forest a couple of days ago."

The goats pawed at the ground and started expanding in size as Tino approached. He stopped a few meters away from the agitated herd and smiled at them.

"I'm glad I ran into ya guys! I was planning on this actually. Here, I brought something for ya!"

The goats stopped increasing in size and stared at Tino quizzically as he took his backpack off his head and unzipped the main compartment. His eyes watered as he rummaged around and then pulled out the first of the two items he'd taken from the kitchen before descending through the trapdoor.

"Ya guys like raisins, yah?" He opened the box, poured a handful of raisins into his hand and offered it to the goat herd. "Here, I bet it has been a while since ya guys had a treat."

"Mah?" the goats shifted around hesitantly before the largest of the group started to slowly step forward towards Tino.

"Yah, that's it! It's okay. I promise I won't hurt ya. I'm a friend to all wildlife, don't ya know?"

The goat cautiously stepped up right in front of Tino, stretched its neck out and carefully took the raisins from his hand.

"There, see? Tasty yah?"

The goat drew its head back and chewed thoughtfully for a moment before looking back down at Tino.

"MAH!"

The horse-sized goat licked Tino on the side of the face and rubbed its head against Tino's shoulder. Tino laughed and the other goats, convinced now that Tino posed no threat to them, started stepping forward too.

As Tino proceeded to distribute raisins and ear-scratches to the rest of the goat herd, he noticed that the lights were starting to dim and animals were beginning to shrink in size. By the time the box of raisins was empty, the goats were the size of baby bunnies and were adoringly trailing behind Tino like a group of ducklings following their mother around.

"What the f(reproduce) are you doing, mortal?"

"Oh hello crazy grouchy Yule Goat guy!" Tino beamed and waved at the floating straw statue that was standing at the end of the hallway. "Sorry, I'm all out of raisins. But I guess ya couldn't have eaten them anyway yah? Since you're made out of straw and everything..."

"Do you not realize that the goats trailing behind you are the ones who administered the torturous traffic ticket and guard the perimeter to ensure that your "precious pet" and his "granddaughter" stay inside of this eternal prison?"

"Yah! Of course I know that!"

"Then why the heck are you FEEDING THEM RAISINS AND GIVING THEM EAR SCRATCHES?! That doesn't even make SENSE! Do you care nothing for the ones they have tormented? Are Berwald and Snowball not precious to you? Speak mortal! You're confusing the heck out of me!"

"Well ya see," Tino explained, "It's quite simple. I could choose to look at them as demonic minions who have brought harm to my loved ones, or I could look at them as helpless animals who were brainwashed into doing the bidding of a vengeful Yule Goat. They're just as much victims of cruelty as Berwald and Snowball are. And Snowstorm-"

"THAT BEAST LIT MY ONE OF MY CHILDREN ON FIRE!"

"Yah, and you destroyed two of her children during childbirth. What makes ya think you're any better than her?"

"I'M THE F(REPRODUCING) **YULE GOAT**! I WILL HAVE JUSTICE FOR MY BABIES! MY BABIES-"

"And ya know, even you're hard to label as _completely_ evil when it comes down to it. Just about any animal would be upset and angry over the death of their offspring..."

"SILENCE FOOL! Your attempt to get me to feel empathy with murderous mutts has no effect!"

"Yah... that's what I kind of figured would be the case," Tino admitted as he reached into his backpack and pulled out the second item he'd retrieved from the kitchen.

"What are you doing?"

"I think ya need a word or two," the Yule Goat saw that the second item was a red-white-and-blue spray bottle covered in stars and stripes. "From our sponsors."

Before the Yule Goat could recognize that this was indeed the product "Hero Spray" that'd been featured in Chapter 3, Tino had pointed the container at him and shot the demonic Christmas icon right in the face.


	25. Eternal Perspective

Pieces of straw came ablaze like sparklers as spangled red and blue stars blossomed across the white hallway.

"Oh wow!" Tino exclaimed as he started backing away slowly "This stuff really is 'just like as seen on TV'!"

The Yule Goat started shaking and then exploded into a bouquet of bedazzled fireworks. After the sparks faded away Tino found himself standing in what appeared to be outer space. He wasn't sure if it was actually outer space because, while there were stars and nebulae and things like that, there were also neon squiggly lines that were darting every which way and emitting semi-coherent talking sounds.

And there was also the fact that Tino wasn't suffocating or exploding in the vacuum of space, and neither was the buff guy in a toga that'd just materialized next to him.

"Well done Tino!" the toga guy smiled as he slapped Tino on the back "That was probably the most interesting approach I've ever seen anyone use to take down a crazy demon. Of course since he was an immortal demon, without beginning or end, so you did just kind of explode an entire timeline by transforming him..."

"I..." Tino stared at him, not being able to make sense of the situation or his surroundings "...what?"

The toga guy laughed "Maybe I better start by introducing myself. I am a Sir Roman Empire, of course that probably doesn't make much sense to you since you're in a human!AU story."

"You're-...huh?"

"You were actually right when you said that Berwald wasn't a human-"

"Well yah! Of course he's not! He's a..." Tino stopped. Now that he was way out here, the reality he'd been living in started to unravel in his mind "Wait, why wouldn't he be a human?"

"He's actually an anthropomorphic country, just like you are."

"WHAT?! I, I don't even...WHAT'S GOING ON?!"

Sir Roman Empire patted Tino on the head "It is alright young friend. Even in the new version of this particular timeline you are still a human being. Here, take a look at what's happened!"

Tino looked up onto a screen created by a cluster of glowing squiggles and saw how his actions from mere minutes ago were changing events years and years into the past. Having never been taken prisoner by the Yule Goat, Berwald was able to complete college, go through business school and open his own cafe.

"Ah! He did it!" Tino smiled as he gazed up at Berwald's new Yule-Goat-free past and future "I'm so glad. He is a great cook after all, I bet he opened a really nice cafe!"

But Berwald's life wasn't the only one changed. Since the immortal Yule Goat had been transformed into an immortal clone of Alfred Jones, Ivan Braginsky was crushed before he could become CEO of a huge vodka company. So the station had never been bought out, Tino had never lost his job which meant that Tino also never developed any delusional disorders...

"I HAD DELUSIONAL DISORDERS?!" Tino exclaimed, clapping his hands to his head while his face turned the same shade as a nearby red giant star. "Oh no! How embarrassing...that was-OH GOD! THE COLLAR!"

Sir Roman Empire laughed "It's okay Tino my friend, we all know you're a huge kinkball. We all love you anyways. Although, there's something in this new timeline that you may not a like very much..."

Tino glanced up and saw that the threads of the little family that Berwald, Snowball and himself had formed were no longer connected in the Yule-Goat-less universe.

"Oh, oh no..." Tino's eyes filled with tears "The three of us never meet? We're not a family anymore? Oh no, I didn't know-I never intended..."

Roman Empire sighed and put a hand on his shoulder "Tino, since you reset the timeline for selfless reasons, you do get to choose one tie, just one, that will connect two life-threads together in this new reality. Any two lives you want...though you must choose quickly I'm afraid. The new timeline is weaving itself together quite fast."

Tino's heart started racing as he watched the glowing squiggles braid together and form a new reality.

_Just one? But, but why?_

Though, as a friend to all animals and wildlife, Tino knew there was really only one right answer.

"Berwald and Snowball..." Tino whispered, with bittersweet tears running down his face.

Sir Roman Empire smiled as the space setting started to swirl away.

"Well chosen friend...Very well chosen."

…

"You're watching Wonderful Wildlife Weekly. I'm your host Tino Väinämöinen. I hope ya put your cuteness-goggles on, because today's episode will feature a box of chinchillas!"

Tino's brown eyes lit up with sparkles of adoration as he clutched the microphone and sighed wistfully "Ah, I _love_chinchillas. Did ya know that chinchillas have the densest fur in the animal kingdom? That's why they're so soft. Today you'll be joining me as I get to spend an hour inside of a giant crate filled with forty-five of these adorable South American-hey, the cameraman isn't a sunflower anymore!"

The cameraman looked at him and blinked "…When was I ever a sunflower?"

"I…" Tino paused to think about it "I honestly have **no** idea! Anyways, CHINCHILLAS!" Tino laughed as he stepped into a crate filled with forty-five soft, scurrying little creatures. "Sure glad I brought a box of raisins with me!"

**NOT the end of the story, please don't shoot me. I love all the reviews you guys are giving me by the way, totally making me smile. Love all around!**


	26. Lost and Found

**YEUS! OVER 150 REVIEWS! You reviewers rock! This makes me so happy, Imma cry! (Happy tears of course, just happy tears.) One more chapter to go after this one. So much love to all of you, love all around gorgeous people!**

Mr. Nuruyama, who was actually just a normal cafe customer and not a rapist or a drunk driver in this reality, shuddered as he walked past "Ludwig's Lunch Stop".

_Not eating there again_, he told himself as he clutched his stomach. He'd thrown up yesterday after wolfing down an entire meal in less than 15 minutes in order to avoid being killed. This was not an experience he wished to repeat anytime soon, so he scanned the street for a less dangerous-looking restaurant.

Ah, there was a neat looking place. The "Snowy Day Cafe" was a cozy corner shop painted bright blue and white with a large pawprint logo decorating the doors. The middle of the pawprint had a heart inside and on the toes of the pawprint were little snowflake symbols.

_Well this looks pretty friendly_, Nuruo thought to himself as he slowly pulled the door open. His eyes widened when he saw a white fluffy dog in an apron standing by a hostess stand.

"Umm..." Nuruo scratched his head in confusion. _I thought you said I had no drinking problems in this reality..._

"Arf!" the small white dog chirped at him as she hopped down from the stool she was perched on and scurried over to an empty table. After standing in a daze for a few seconds he figured out that the creature wanted him to follow her and walked over and took a seat.

She wagged her tail when he'd sat down and then scampered back to the front of the restaurant. Less than a minute later another white fluffy dog hopped up on the booth beside him. Nuruo looked down and saw that she was carrying a clipboard in her mouth with an order form attached.

"Huh?" It took him a few seconds to process. "Oh! Aww...that's cute!" He smiled as he wrote his name on the top and then checked the box next to the order for a slice of cake.

_This is the least scary restaurant I've ever been to!_ He thought to himself as he watched the small dog scurry through the kitchen doors. A few minutes later the kitchen doors opened, and two white fluff-balls pulled a cart through. They pulled the cart right up beside his table so that he could take the tray containing his cake and complimentary coffee before scurrying back to the kitchen with the empty cart.

Berwald smiled from behind the kitchen's one-way glass as he watched the customers gush over his adorable fluffy daughter and granddaughters. The food at Snowy Day Cafe was excellent, but it was the puppy-staffed service that really made it memorable. The customers loved the four fluffy dogs and the four fluffy dogs loved the attention.

As for Berwald, he was quite content to remain in the kitchen and watch everyone else's happiness. Through observation he'd calculated that the amount of time the customers were subjected to the sight of his nearly-expressionless face was inversely proportional with their desire to stay inside the restaurant. He'd made a grown man cry once just by stepping out from behind the kitchen door for a couple of seconds. That had been kind of funny actually. But then another time he'd stepped out a couple of small kids had started crying, and that'd just made him feel bad about himself. So he just stayed in the kitchen until closing time for the most part.

Later that evening, as the sun was going down, the restaurant doors were locked and Berwald had finished cleaning up the facility, Snowstorm and her daughters Snowball, Snowflake and Snowcloud all gathered around, eagerly awaiting dinner and head scratches. After setting the food bowls down he walked back into the living room and stretched out on the sofa (their house was attached to the back of the restaurant).

Snowball scurried in less than a minute later, more eager to visit Grandpa Berwald than to finish her meal. Berwald lifted her up off the ground and set her down on the couch beside him. All four dogs loved their adopted father/grandfather immensely, but Snowball seemed particularly attached to him for some reason or another.

"Arf!"

"Yah, yer birthday is coming up soon. Have ya figured out what ya want yet?"

"Arf arf?"

"A pet cat or a grandma?"

"Arf!"

Berwald closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead, trying to figure out which of the two would be less difficult to acquire. It would be a trick finding a cat that was willing to be a pet to four wacky, fluffy dogs, but in comparison to finding someone who would be willing to marry Berwald...

"'lright, 'll start checking at th' animal shelters t' see if we can find a nice cat for ya."

"Arf!" Snowball licked him on the face before scampering off to join her mother and sisters.

Berwald shook his head and stood back up from the sofa. _Forgot t' take th' restaurant trash out. Silly of m', 'll go do that before m' little ones want m' t' read them a bedtime story._

He walked back past the kitchen and into the empty restaurant, lifting up a large trash bag before stepping out into a dark alleyway. After shutting the lid on the dumpster, the flashing of a yellow light behind him caught Berwald's attention.

"Hm?" he turned around to see two uniformed individuals stepping out of a white pickup truck.

"Are you Mr. Berwald Oxenstierna?" one of them asked.

"Yah," he replied, blinking in the bright yellow light's glare "Can I help ya with something?"

"We're from the City Animal Control Department. We're going to need you to come with us."

"NH?!" Berwald jumped back up onto the doorstep, blocking the path between them and his house "What do ya want with m' family? M' daughters 'nd granddaughters haven't done anything wrong. 'm not letting ya take them away."

"Calm down Mr. Oxenstierna. We're not here for anyone in your family, we're just here for you."

"M'? What did I do?"

"We're not bringing you in for doing anything wrong, Mr. Oxenstierna, we're just trying to reunite you with your owner."

"M' owner?" Berwald was relieved to hear that these people weren't here to take his family away, but he was still growing more confused by the second. "What owner?"

"...the one who gave you the collar you're wearing?"

" 'm not wearing a-" Berwald stopped when he put a hand to his neck and felt the leather band attached to a metal tag "What the-?"

...

"My lost pet?" Tino frowned and turned back towards his living room. 4, 6, 8...yep, all ten of his pet red-eyed pygmy goats were safely prancing around inside his house.

_How did I get ten pet pygmy goats anyways? _Tino wondered to himself. _Did I just...always have them? I mean they're really cute so I'm not complaining but honestly for the life of me I can't remember how I got-_

"Yes Sir, your lost pet. A tall, muscular attractive Swedish man with glasses who makes great coffee?"

Tino gasped. _Holy Martin Luther! This is fantastic! I didn't even need to publish that personal ad I drafted last night._

"Mr. Väinämöinen...?"

"Yah! That's great. Thanks for finding him for me! I'll be right there to pick him up," Tino beamed as he set the phone down and grabbed his coat.

"Alright my children," Tino called out to his ten pygmy goats as he stepped out the front door "I'm going to go pick up your mom now. Your new, attractive, muscular man-mom...who is apparently waiting for me in a cage. Ha ha! Never mind how weird that sounds, ha ha! So silly. No eating napkins while I'm gone! Be back soon!"

"...Mah?"


	27. Purrfect Match

"You're watching Wonderful Wildlife Weekly! Ha ha, actually you're not. I just like talking to talking to myself in this format because I do it all the time!" Tino giggled to himself as he walked up to the doorsteps of the City Animal Shelter. "So silly! Anyways, tonight's episode will feature me finding that handsome Swedish man from my dreams. My psychologist said that I just made him up and that any thoughts of him being real were just hopeful delusions."

"But I," Tino paused as he put one hand on the doorknob and turned towards the audience "...personally believe that I really did meet him in a previous version of this timeline and that our enduring love has remained even though our memories have been erased and our destinies changed so that we hadn't met before this point. Guess we're about to find out yah?" Tino beamed at the camera before stepping inside.

Berwald walked down the aisle with cages containing cats that were up for adoption, stopping to read the descriptions as he went along. There was a white-pawed tabby that liked dogs but was listed as preferring a "quiet" environment. His four dogs were anything but quiet once they got off of work. They were cute fluffy spazballs that would probably make a "quiet" loving cat absolutely crazy. Then there was a large tuxedo cat who seemed to have a compatible high-energy temperament, but it was unknown whether or not it had interacted with dogs before.

He stifled a yawn as he turned back around and started to walk towards the animal shelter door.

_Suppose 'll have t' look for a pet cat for m' little ones at another shelter._

Still though, Berwald felt pretty proud of himself for thinking of a way to peacefully immobilize the entire animal shelter staff. Bet they weren't expecting t' be served decaf coffee laced with animal tranquilizer, he thought as he nearly smiled.

He was only a couple meters away from the door when it opened from the other side. An adorable little fellow with large brown eyes and a cat-ear hat embroidered with the words "Wonderful Wildlife Weekly" on his head stepped though and looked up at Berwald.

"AIHH!" the smaller man screamed as he jumped back a few inches before laughing sheepishly "Ha ha! Ah ya surprised me. Yah, I'm looking for a lost pe-EEEEK!" he squeaked as Berwald picked him up off the ground and started walking out the door.

Objective completed. Fluffy child and grandchildren will now have both a pet cat AND a mother/grandmother. Excellent work Berwald. +400,000 parent points.

"W-What are ya doing? Where are ya taking me?"

"First answer this question," Berwald stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "Do ya like dogs?"

"I-yah of course! I love them, they're super cute. But where are ya-?"

"Home. With m'." Berwald replied as he started walking down the sidewalk again.

"Wait! I didn't agree to this! Ya can't just-hey...hey you're wearing a collar with my-YOU'RE MY LOST PET!"

_Ya aren't losing m' again, 'll be certain of that_.

"Aww, my lost pet is cute and possessive...what a big old panda bear!"

_Th' Big Papa Panda Bear of Love._

"Though if you're my pet...that means I'm your master..."

_Hm, kinky..._

"...so you should put me down now yah?"

Berwald shook his head.

"What? Bad pet! Bad, bad pet! Do ya want me to discipline ya when we get home?"

Berwald nodded and winked at the camera as he carried Tino off into the dark, misty night.

_Anything can happen when yer wearing Poland Spice Body Wash. 've got a Tino. Purr... ; )_

**My heart is over-flooded with gratitude and happiness for all the kindness you guys have shown me with the reviews and favs and follows and everything. If you would like to leave a final review telling me your thoughts about the story I would very much appreciate it. : ) So much love out to all you guys! **

**And I apologize for this chapter taking longer than usual. I have been rewriting it SO. MANY. TIMES. over the past few days. I can't decide whether the weirdest failed attempt was the one with the six-legged llama or the one where Berwald got so bored from sitting in a cage that he started playing with the squeaky toys...but yeah. Trust me when I say that you would NOT have wanted me to publish before I got this draft done.**

**Ten bazillion love-valentines out to everybody! Peace out beloved readers!**


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